Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Baby Girl's Moved Out!

Hey there! Happy Hump Day! (FYI: I hate the term Hump Day, but a lot of people say it so I thought I'd try it out... and I still hate it, so there. Now you've learned something new about me.)

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for advice on getting the terror to sleep in her own bed? Your responses were overwhelming! Thank you so much!

How's that working out for us? Marlee has slept in her own bed four nights in a row this week! She's so super proud of herself for being such a big girl and Chris and I are finally getting the sleep we've pined for!

We have to lay down with her still, and she still needs to "wub someonez eaw" but once she's out, she's out for the night!

Added bonus: she's started making her own bed! Sweet dreams my little sass machine!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Need Sunshine, Not Snow!

This is the second in a series of posts sponsored by Disney Trip Expert, Krystin Turner. Krystin is an authorized Disney Vacation Planner, plans only Disney vacations. 100% Disney, 100% of the time. 

For more information on planning a Disney Vacation, please contact Krystin HERE. Visit her blog for more information on Disney travel promotions and tips for travelers HERE, and don't forget to LIKE her Facebook page! Every Friday in the month of February she'll be giving away a Disney gift card on the Facebook page, and more gift cards each time the Facebook fan page grows by 200!

All opinions expressed in this post are mine, have been written by me, and do not directly reflect the views of my sponsor. 

Here in Missouri we've had quite a bit of snow in the last two weeks. How much snow, you ask? I have no idea - somewhere between 10" and 12 feet is probably close to accurate.

The snow is beautiful (before it gets all slushy and muddy) and I love to look at it (from indoors where it's warm), but friends, I am absolutely dying for summer to be here!

Look how lonely our toys are - just begging for the snow to melt and playtime to begin!

Pitiful, aren't they? Soon enough, toys. Soon enough.

Why anyone would pay money to take a trip into a place that is freezing cold is totally beyond me because this is just miserable. Maybe it's because I'm less of an adventurous type and more about relaxation. Ask me to work up a sweat putting on 6 layers of clothing so I don't get frostbite? No. Just no. Alaskan cruise? Nah! Skiing in the mountains? Absolutely not!

Give me an umbrella drink and a lounge chair in the sunshine? Now we're in business! If I could be anywhere right now I would definitely be on a beach in my momsuit, layering the sunscreen on my ultra-pale husband, watching the kiddos splash in the waves.

Where would you like to be right now?

PS Why didn't anyone tell me that snow is like crack for daschunds? Outside for 5 minutes and she's like a tiny brown tornado for the next twenty, and then she crashes for 3 hours.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

And The Award Goes To...

Well kids, it's Oscar night! 

Marlee's been asking since noon when it would be "time fow da wed carpet", and as soon as Mia got home from her Dad's it was time to get the gowns on! 

Mia is wearing a slip from David's Bridal and jewelry by Charming Charlie's and Target. Mia: nominated for Best Actress in the role of America's sweetheart.

Marlee is wearing a Limited shirt that I picked up at Goodwill for $3.00. Her necklace was a birthday present from my sweet friend, Whitney. Marlee: nominated for Best Actress in the role of a Villain. 

And Miles, not nominated, but always happy just to attend...

"Miles, show me fashion! Show me love!"
P.S. we're obviously running out of gowns. Thank goodness awards season is almost over!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

My 4 Year Old Wasn't Impressed With Magic Mike

Have you ever wanted to watch something you know really isn't appropriate for your kids to watch, but you do anyway because you figure that they won't pay attention to it?

So that happened last night.... Magic Mike...

Let's clear up a few things real quick, ok: 
  1. I'd never seen the movie! Duh, I know it's about strippers, but I figured it would be like one of those stupid funny movies that occasionally shows a naked butt. Big deal on butts, we see them constantly in this house!
  2. Marlee was the only child awake and she was completely engrossed in her "Build Your Own Tooth Fairy" game on the laptop. You could've driven a trash truck through the front door and she wouldn't have budged.
  3. It was time to watch something other than cooking shows. I swear, I've gained 10lbs since I left work on Wednesday!
I start watching the movie and my little ladybug is playing her game. If there was a part I anticipated getting raunchy, I would turn the volume way down and stare at her as if it were going to prevent her from looking up from her game!

All went well until I went to the kitchen to get a drink... "Dah...Daah.Daah.Daah." Son of a bitch it was on the "Pony" scene!

My kids love that song and I knew Marlee was going to pay attention. I was mortified! Yet, I got out a notebook and wrote down her thoughts on the routine for your entertainment. You're welcome!

"Mommy! Mommy! Dis is my song!"

"Yook, Mommy! I can jump yike him! I can jump higher den him!"

"Wow he is a reewy good dancer, isn't he?!"

"Can I do dis when I gwow up? Pweeeez!"

"Oh. My. Dodd. What is he DOING?!"

"What's wong wif those yadies? They keep scweeming and they're all giving him all the dollas."

"MOMMY! Why would you even wanna watch dis?!"

"Um... dis is embawassing. Let's neva speak of dis again."

We turned it off after that!

I knew she'd be listening for them to play another song that she knew, and I'm not quite ready to have a talk with her about the boy putting his wiener on the lady's face while he's dancing!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Choose Your Own Adventure

Once a month we have a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' Sunday - a day where the kids are allowed to do whatever they please and eat whatever they please. 

Does it sound like I'm one of those inventive moms that create fun activities for her children? Well I'm not! Ok, sometimes I am, but not all of the time. Choose your own adventure is just a more pleasant way of saying "Do whatever the hell you want to do, heathens! Just don't make each other bleed!"

This picture pretty much sums up the vibe of the entire day:

Do you ever have days like these? More importantly, do these days always seem to coincide with Hallmark Channel airing the Love Comes Softly saga in its entirety? You guys, they hook me every time!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Love Song

And a few pictures of our Valentine's Day:

These were delivered to me yesterday at work. I love that Chris is thoughtful enough to send flowers a day early if the special occasion falls towards the end of the week, that way I can enjoy them being on my desk for a longer period of time. 

My personal favorite part of getting flowers from my husband? The card. At this point, Chris has given up on writing something romantic and meaningful on the card, which is absolutely fine by me. This year's card mentioned not only the fact that I'm lactose intolerant, but also included an apology for not buying me a metal detector.

Love is being married to your best friend. Hearing this song tonight reminded me just how much I love this guy. I loved him when we danced to it at our wedding, and I love him even more driving home from Valentine's Day supper with our babies.

"I hate you. I know this is going online."
Raise your hand if you only worked a half day today! I love being able to say that - especially when that half day includes taking pictures of your 27 year old brother dressed like he's going to prom. 

Correction: dressed like he's going to prom AND selling roses out of a mini van!

Then, because this is my life and crappy things just seem to happen to me, I'm getting ready to leave when my best friend comes in telling me that the Mom Mobile has a flat tire! Son. Of. A. Beast.

Long story short, I took the Yukon to Clint's in Harrisonville and after one visit, I'll definitely be a returning customer. Super nice guys - so nice I didn't even mind when they called me ma'am! They got me in and out in 30 minutes, and even though my tire was beyond patching because it was already in such bad shape, they gave me a loaner replacement for free and quoted me prices on 4 new tires. I'll be back in a few weeks for those because the prices were good, and I'm definitely already looking forward to having their big orange shop cat curl up on my lap again...

I had just enough time to get home and pick up Granny before hauling to the school for Mia's 2nd grade Valentine's Day party!

Treasure chest Valentine box. Looks pretty decent, right?
Maybe the top was covered in jewels too originally. Maybe those jewels slid
down in their glitter glue and stuck all crazy like to the BACK of the box... Mom fail!
Is there anything more disgusting than your aunt smooching you in front of the whole class?
"No." - Grumpy Cat
Sweethearts on V-Day!
And the food... Cheese tray, cookies, rice crispies (hello pink with sprinkles), fruits and marshmallows for the chocolate fountain, and classroom tradition: homemade meatballs. Guys, it's Valentine's Day: OF COURSE THERE WAS A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!

This kid doesn't even like chocolate!
Hayden - the boy I look forward to seeing at every school function. He's absolutely adorable!

Have mercy, there is nothing like a room full of 7 and 8 year olds to make you feel old and ready for a nap! 

I didn't have time for that lovely nap, because once we got home we rounded up the kids for a romantic family dinner at IHOP. Yes, IHOP. We enjoy the finer things in life 'round here. Not as fine as the steaks I'd bought for Valentine's Day, but hey - if I'm not going to have to cook or clean up after supper, by all means, we'll go have breakfast at 5:30PM. 

Sadly, I didn't get any photos at IHOP because I was too busy shoveling hashbrowns into my mouth like there was no tomorrow! P.S. Mama loves hashbrowns!

Now, imagine this post-supper scene if you will: 

We get home from a lovely Valentine's Day supper at IHOP. Coats and shoes are removed and have been put away, Valentine's Day cards from Grandma Debbie & Grandpa Tom have been passed out, it's time to put the kids in the tub.

All three kids go in the shower at the same time, but they rarely stay in the shower the entire time together. Miles is quite a fan of running through the living room several times during bathtime, leaving a trail of soapy water all through the house. (Yes, I let Miles get in with his sisters. He's two and everyone's pee pee is the same in his mind but that's beside the point.) As bathtime is winding down, Miles comes out into the living room naked as a jay bird:

"Miles, show Daddy your butt!"

Such an obedient child, Miles turns and shakes his little booty at his dad. We laugh as he takes off running into the other room and are distracted by Mia as she comes out jabbering away. Moments later, my baby boy comes in again and this time when he shakes his booty Mia is totally grossed out:

"Oh! Eew! Does he have poop on his butt?! Is that poop?!"

Lo and behold, it was poop. What kind of kid gets cleaned up, exits the shower to moon you, accidentally poops on the rug (gross), and never stops giggling? Mine.

"Marlee! Quick! Get out of the shower, Miles has the runs!"

"Oh my Gawsh! Dere is POOP in da showa!"

Good night, sweethearts!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Log In Failure

Chris says that this is too over the top and I need to edit it.

"It would make it much easier to pay my bill online if your website would allow me to oh, i don't know, LOG THE FUCK IN, after I've changed my password. Two times in the last 10 minutes, I've attempted to change my password and it says it's successful, and yet GMotherfuckingAC's stupid website won't let me log in. TWICE!

And yes, I'll continue to attempt with your shitty website because it's the only way you assholes don't charge me to make a payment (besides mail, which I'm not willing to try because as reliable as your company is, I'm positive that my check would get lost in the mail.) I'd call, but let's be honest - your customer service reps don't understand me any better than I can understand them, which is really saying a lot because I'm excellent with interpreting speech.

Anyway, I need to reset my password. Dicks."

Any thoughts? Too much or good to go?

Friday, February 8, 2013

Portraits of Normality

I have a collection of family photos on the shelf above my desk at work.

Both photos are in black and white. Both photos are in frames. Both feature your typical American family.

Actually, one photo is the most dysfunctional family of all time.

 The other photo is of my own family.

You have no idea how many times a week I hear the words "Is that Chevy Chase?"



The winner of the CaseApp giveaway is... Rena with comment #4! Please email me at to claim your prize!

All giveaways on HHDD are chosen at random via

I posted the screen shot to validate it, but I have to make it freaking ginormous in order for you all to see the number. It's not a lack of attention to detail on my part, it's just a complete misunderstanding of how to use modern day technology...

One more thing:

I'm attempting to make this blog more professional (steering away from colorful language not included in this update) so that if anyone wants to take me seriously, they won't feel guilty about it.

My request is simple, friends: Whether you like what you're reading or hate what you're reading, please let me know! I'd love some reviews on the blog, ideas for future posts, questions you may have, etc. Feel free to email me, Tweet me, Facebook me, or leave a comment here on the ole blog.

You guys are the best and I love that you love High Heels & Dirty Dishes! Thank you!

(PS, you all have great hair and look super skinny today!)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Daddy's Conference Call

This is how a typical phone call works at our house...

"Ya'll be real quiet for a few minutes so Mommy can make this phone call, please!"


3-2-1... Then all hell breaks loose..

It's like a primal instinct kicks in and causes children to act like complete lunatics when the phone begins to ring. There you go, a ringing telephone is like a dog whistle for littles.

At this point, I'm used to it. Sure I still hope that they'll actually stay quiet when I'm on the phone with the mortgage company, but do I honestly expect things to go smoothly? Nope!

Imagine the pure enjoyment I got when Chris called this morning to tell me how his conference call had went...

CHRIS: You know how I had that conference call this morning?

ME: Yeah, how'd it go?

CHRIS: Two minutes in, Miles is right next to me yelling "I chips, Dah-yee? I chips?". So I got him chips and he went to the living room. As soon as I got started talking again, he runs in again screaming "Chips! Dah-yee! Hell-ya eat chips!".

ME: (uncontrollable laughter)

CHRIS: So then I had to go in and steal the Cheetos away from the dog. When he finally calmed down I turned on Caillou for him and he was great until freaking Netflix froze up. "Dah-yeeeeeeeeee! Caillouuuuuuuuuu! Dah-yeeeeeeeeeee!"

ME: So you fixed it and then he was good again, right? Do you think the people on the conference call could hear him?

CHRIS: Um yeah, pretty sure they heard him yelling but then he was pretty good for a while...until he pooped his pants. I had to change his diaper while I was on the phone and I don't think I had myself muted at that point. Have you ever changed a diaper while leading a conference call?

ME: (more uncontrollable laughter) No, babe. I've never done that!

Mr. Palis, you've one-upped me as a parent today and I bow to your greatness!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Super Bowl? Puppy Bowl!

Packed stadium
Hey did you guys watch the Super Bowl? Aw, good!

We don't watch that here. We watch the Puppy Bowl instead. If you aren't familiar with the Puppy Bowl, click the link and check it out. (Unless you're some kind of Commie and you hate puppies. In that case just continue being a terrible person.)

Why do we watch the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl?

  • Mommy hates televised sports.
  • The kids hate televised sports.
  • The kids love puppies.
  • Mommy loves puppies.
  • Daddy's at work during the Super Bowl.
Granny came over and helped us get our game day spread together in record time.

Our diners had strong opinions on what tasted the best: 

"I really just want to eat all of these meatballs until they're gone, Mommy!" - Mia on the teriyaki meatballs. After meatball number 7, she barfed. Because she'd had too many, you guys - NOT because they were terrible.

"Dat cheese dip was so good I gived it a free-hundred!" - Marlee on the taco dip. Boo loves cheese. This was pretty much a given.

"Mmmmm ham!" - Miles on the summer sausage tray. For the record, all meat in our house is called ham. Sausage, bologna, turkey, pepperoni, and yes, ham.

And because you can't have a Bowl party without a little face paint...

We like to dress up, ok? Maybe the girls are kitties instead of puppies, but there are kittens at the Puppy Bowl, I promise! Miles was convinced that he looked just like Helga. I don't see it, but he's pretty stinking cute anyway!

Grumpy kitty

Cheetah eyes, of course
We took a break from the Puppy Bowl to watch the halftime show on the big game. Have you ever seen a 4 year old and an 8 year old do the dance routine to 'Single Ladies'? Oh, then you've never been to my house. These little divas know all of the moves and do them pretty darn well.

Then within 20 minutes of Queen B's performance ending, all 3 kiddos had cleaned up and laid down. Piece. Of. Cake.

(PS, Mia couldn't wait for me to write this! I just love this kid!)

(PPS You still have plenty of time to enter to win a custom iPhone case right here!)

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Slips, Trips, & Falls

At work, we go through a million different trainings annually and "Slips, Trips, and Falls" is one of my least favorites. (Training committee, if you're reading this - may I suggest you check out the Tosh.O blog for some videos to include in the next session? Totally worth it!)

I've had this training about a million times at this point so one would think that I'd have my procedures down pat, right? Wrong...

  1. I ask Marlee & Mia to get dressed.
  2. I repeat myself 3 times and say "I'm not going to ask you again. Get. Dressed. Now."
  3. Marlee says "You ownyee assed us to get dwessed two times."
  4. Argue with her stating that I should only have to ask once. 
  5. Realize arguing with a 4 year old is pointless. 
  6. Go to change Miles's diaper in the bedroom.
  7. Look up to see Mar with no pants on and shirt halfway on, arms flailing like she's drowning.
  8. Start to laugh at Marlee.
  9. Try to stop laughing when Marlee walks into the doorframe and trips over a tennis shoe.
  10. Feel completely inappropriate when Marlee begins screaming hysterically.
  11. Attempt to comfort Marlee while she wails "I want mah dadddeeeeee!" over and over.
  12. Shush Miles when he begins chanting "I bebe! I bebe! I bebe!"
  13. Notice the ginormous bruise that's already formed on Marlee's knee.
  14. Tell her she looked silly with that shirt on her head hoping to distract her.
  15. "I want mah dadddeeeeee!"
  16. "No Boo Boo! I beeeeebeeeee!"
  17. First aid. 
Frozen burritos = ice pack. They're totally used to my resourcefulness at this point.
I'm also certified in First Aid and CPR. Obviously, I've nailed that course...