Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Tuesday Was a Good Day

Here's a little fun fact: Tuesday is my favorite day of the week.

I read somewhere once that it's the most productive day of the week, and I've tried to make myself live up to the finding ever since. Am I always at my absolute most productive on Tuesdays? No. Do I wake up on Tuesdays brimming with ambition and optimism? For the most part, yes.

This Tuesday, while very productive, was just one of those days where things agitated me. You know the phrase 'boiling mad'? That's how I feel sometimes - I don't want to be the person with the bad attitude, so I let the irritation simmer off and on all day until I reach my boiling point and whistle to signal that I'm done with the bullshit.

Little things, all day long and for what? Absolutely nothing that will matter when I wake up on Wednesday. 

A few of the high points of my Tuesday:
  • My lawn and most of the land in town has turned from boring beige to gorgeous green in a little over a week. I've said it once, I'll say it a million times - nothing makes me love my hometown more than seeing all of that green in the spring!
  • Jimmy bought me a slice of deliciously greasy breakfast pizza this morning. I ate half of it, made him finish the rest, and then chased it with a handful of gummy worms. Breakfast of champions!
  • Getting the chance to work closely with someone that I don't know very well. It's nice to hear great things about someone and then have them live up to their reputation of fabulosity!
  • Granny came to town for lunch today and blasted Kenny Chesney in the mini-van to irritate a man blaring rap music from his Grand Am. Oh Granny, you feisty little rebel!
  • Heard this on the radio for the first time. I want to hate John Mayer, but I can't help myself. Is that a mom thing, or an almost 30 thing? Either way, I'm digging this!
  • Daddy took the kids outside to play when I got home and I joined them about 10 minutes later. Is there anything better than sitting in your kitchen, listening to the love of your life race your babies around the house? I doubt it. Hello 80 degree day in March, we've been waiting patiently!
  • After living in this house for 8 years with my one pitiful peony bush and a sad little single daffodil, I broke down and planted 20 irises and 6 peonies today. That big bare spot in the front yard'll still hold us back from the 'Best Lawn On the Block' title, but the flowers will hopefully give my kids a glimpse of what Granny & PaPa's yard looked like when I was a little girl. It was beautiful and smelled like heaven. All I'm missing is the lilac bush, and by God, I'ma have me a damn lilac bush!
  • I ate a peanut butter & marshmallow fluff sandwich while supper was cooking. It can most accurately be described as eating a peanut butter and marshmallow rainbow. Try it - unless you're allergic to peanuts. Then um...avoid that shit...
  • Having a conversation with the hubs where I was completely justified in using the phrase "Sure, maybe she's right but at least I don't have wrinkly 60 year old cleavage and a turkey gobbler to match. Karma's a bitch, and that bitch deserves it." So, satisfying; you have no idea!
What does all of this mean to you? Probably nothing. I sound like a crazy lady, but you're all most likely used to that at this point.

What does it mean to me? Today was still a good day, and tomorrow will be better. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself of these things.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Hissy Fits: A Family Tradition

 I've spent most of this week and weekend, attempting to de-clutter and rearrange the contents of our house so that we might (Ha! Yeah right!) get a little more space. In my last post, I mentioned that I am definitely turning into my father.I've had many, many, many hissy fits during the adventure, just like the Old Man would, and I was reminded of this little gem from days gone by. Enjoy...


My dad's a laid back fellow - the strong, silent type for the most part - but when the mood strikes him, all hell breaks loose and he unleashes with the most amusing hissy fits. It's alright to snicker at his discontent, just as long as he doesn't catch you laughing.

One of my favorite Old Man hissy fits took place in the summer of 2004: it was a beautiful afternoon, and Dad had been doing some yard work ."God damn it, you'd better get that taken care of while it's nice outside!" He mowed, he moved rocks, he puttered around just looking for things to 'take care of'. 

The rest of the family, enjoyed his antics from the comfort of the old hammock and patio set, cold glasses of sweet tea in hand. We may or may not have made comments regarding the fact that he was going to work himself into a heat stroke wearing Wranglers and steel-toe boots, doing all of that manual labor in the humid July sun. He may or may not have told us something along the lines of "If I don't do it, nobody will. Wouldn't want you guys to get your hands dirty..." 

After a particularly long stretch of polishing his lawn mower - a favorite activity among old men - the Old Man decided to take a break. He came over to sit down on the ancient hammock and drink a glass of tea with the rest of the family.

Just as Dad sat down and fully relaxed, the rusted old frame buckled, dumping him onto the ground! "Well sonofabitch! God damn hammock....*grumble grumble grumble*" There were silent giggles and looks of amusement exchanged all around, but of course, only until Dad got himself up. Then commenced the fixing of the hammock. "Come on boy, we gotta fix this piece of shit before someone kills themselves on it." Jimmy, it seemed, would be getting his hands dirty.

While they went to the garage to find something to MacGuyver the hammock back together, Mom and I sat laughing over the Old Man's hissy fit and after a few minutes had passed, they returned and the hammock was fixed.

Dad, true to the ways of a dictator, never fully trusts his own craftsmanship and prefers someone else test out his repair work. "Jennifer, sit down in that hammock and make sure it isn't gonna break again. Should be good now." Hesitantly, I did as I was told and the hammock held my (then) 100lb body with ease.

Satisfied that he'd done his part and had earned the chance to relax, Dad pulled up a plastic patio chair and collapsed into it with all of his might. Sadly, the beautiful lawn at the old homestead is filled with small hills, and the Old Man's chair was positioned on one of those hills. When he sat, the chair leaned back at an odd angle and a leg snapped off. The Old Man and the chair both went tumbling down the hill much like Jack and Jill in the old nursery rhyme - tea glass and ice cubes flying through the air!

This time, we didn't even attempt to hide our amusement as he stood up yelling, bits of Zoysia grass stuck to his Harley cut off, tea on his Wranglers, clutching the detached leg in one hand. "Mo-ther! Fuck-er! This sorry piece of shit! Just once in my life, I wanna own something that doesn't break as soon as you fucking touch it....*blah blah blah*" And then, because we were all laughing at him and that's definitely not allowed, his temper really got the best of him and he attempted to kick the broken chair across the driveway! His foot missed the chair, of course (Dad's no athlete - "Sports are for pussies who are too lazy to get a real job!"), and then we really laughed!

At that point, he laughed too. He still cussed, but laughed all the same. Then he threw the broken patio chair into the garbage and went inside to take a nap. The recliner is always an old man's safe place!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Making The Most Of It

Random bits of awesome convo sprinkled throughout this fine Tuesday:

During the tornado drill that went down at work at the crack of 7:30AM:
COWORKER 1: Um, there's no lights in the basement?
COWORKER 2: They're broke. Let's say we're being realistic here.
ME: Could be worse - a few years ago, someone barfed during the tornado drill...

I assumed my brother wasn't working today because he's been sick:
JIMMY: Pick me up please
ME: Didn't think toooo err coming here spotify
Here's an idea, remove the touch screen phone from your purse before texting. Or, you know, look like an idiot when Swype makes you sound like a morning drunk.

Greeting some of the employees when they arrived this morning:
EMPLOYEE: If I win the lottery, will you help me spend my money?
ME: I like the way you think, bud!
EMPLOYEE: You only live once right, you can't live twice!
This completely made my day! Optimism at its finest!

In an email I sent out this morning:
ME: PC's got Manwich on sale $5 for 10.
Pretty typical email from me. I like to think people enjoy finding them in their inbox.

A coworker showed me the photos from her daughters recent maternity shoot:
ME: She's so pretty!
COWORKER: Thank you!
ME: I wish I'd done something like that when I was pregnant with Mia - before I got all stretch marked...
COWORKER: Hehehe...Look how good this one is!
Her daughter is a model and she's insanely gorgeous. This kid is going to be adorable!

Random text from the hubs:
CHRIS: Just heard that Sting song you like.
ME: Zip it dickhole!
Maybe he does sound a little like Sting but I don't care - this song rocks my socks off.

Overheard at my favorite Chinese place while waiting for my takeout:
THE SITUATION: You ladies cool with the SyFy channel?
ME: *agreeable nod of the head*
OLD LADY 1: I think the news is on right now.
THE SITUATION: Oh, uh...ok. Hey what channel would I find that on?
OLD LADY 2: Try CNN. It's the one ... CNN.
The situation is a douchey white boy who runs the cash register. He is, in a single word, rad. The epitome of middle class Caucasian wishing to wake up as a Jersey Shore cast member. We're BFFs kind of.

My fortune cookie:
Pretty sure this means celebrity gossip and YouTube are good for the soul

I got to order party favors for an event today:
COWORKER: Hey lady, whatcha doin?
ME: Ordering 17 dozen bandanas
COWORKER: What the fuck do we need 17 dozen bandanas for?
I love her! She calls me lady, and cusses just as much as I do. Awesome sauce, all the way!

During a meeting today, someone pulled up a video as a suggestion for the Wild West party we're planning:
COWORKER 1: I'll bet we could get them to help us out.
COWORKER 2: How cool is that?! It's like 'Glee'!
ME: ...I wanna dance like that...
GIRL NEXT TO ME: *shakes head silently, like I'm inappropriate*

My brother, talking to the director of our company as I'm in the office across the hall:
JIMMY: Oh, Jennifer Palis? She's a real pain in the ass... 

Talking to Granny on my way home after washing my car:
ME: Sonofabitch!
GRANNY: What? What's wrong?!
ME: Just washed my damn car, and these clowns at the liquor store have a gravel parking lot so their gravel dust is blowing all over my clean car as I drive past.
GRANNY: *amused snort*
ME: I'm turning into Dad, aren't I?

My oldest, telling me about her day at school:
MIA: Oh it was a great day at school! Well, no it wasn't really that great. I had to walk laps during all of my recess.
ME: Did the whole class walk?
MIA: Yeah. They're really bad sometimes.

Chris upon coming home from the park with all of the kids:
ME: Did you have fun?
CHRIS: Yeah, did you? What'd you do since you had the whole house to yourself?
ME: Pooped, ate popcorn, and watched this show on treasure hunters who use metal detectors.
CHRIS: Are you serious?
ME: 100%

The hubs, after returning from the Mexican restaurant with my supper that had been left out of the first order:
ME: Was it ready, or did they forget to make it all together. What about the tortillas?
CHRIS: It's freshly made, and no, I didn't check your tortillas. The bag was tied shut when they brought it out and it would've been a real dick move to untie it and check. 
ME: Ugh!
No balls, sometimes. I swear!

On this message board for crazy mommies like myself:
POSTER 1: I'll bet it has tentacles! *runs and hides*
POSTER 2: I bet she has a tremendous bush...
POSTER 2: (and crabs)
Ooooh I love this group and all of the sassy commentary!!!

Getting ready for bed:
MIA: And now, for my next trick I'll pull a toddler out of the closet!!!!
ME: Ugh! Lord, Marlee - did you fart?
ME: Eeeew it smells horrible in here now!
MIA: Yeah, like gross rotten cheese or something!

Mia chose a book about ancient Egypt to read before bedtime (that's my girl!):
ME: When the pharoh died, they put him into this stone coffin called a sarcophagus and it was sooo heavy.
MIA: Know who else goes into coffins? Vampires! Maybe not gold ones though?

Mass Effect 3 came out today, and as you can tell, the men-folk are stoked:

The kids aren't quite ready for bed yet:
ME: Marlee, go to bed NOW!
MARLEE: But Mommy, you're so nice and I just want to talk to you while you pee!
ME: You just want to talk to me while I pee?
MARLEE: Yeah, you'we such a nice good guuurl when you'we peeing! I yuv you!

Why do I do posts like this? To remind myself that I have a lot of fun every single day, even when I'm focused on the things that frustrate me. It makes me feel lucky to be able to look back and know that I've smiled and laughed with all of these people, and hopefully, they've enjoyed the conversation as much as I have.

You only live once right, you can't live twice...

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Food Fixes Everything

Last night I decided to check out some sites that give you writing prompts based on the day of the week. Needless to say, I didn't write last night. It happens...

Today's prompt is from The One-Minute Writer and the prompt is TOOL: What's the most useful tool you own? Well, I'm sure all tools are useful, we just rarely use them obviously

Think, brain, think! What tool do I use more than any other? Food. Definitely food.

Food fixes everything...

If I'm happy, I'm going to spoil my family with a four course home cooked supper. 

If I'm feeling lazy, there's always frozen pizza. 

Running late to something or worried you're way too early? Head to the drive through for a quick meal or a cup of coffee.

And if someone dies? Evidently you can make their family happy again simply by bringing them a casserole.

Food can bring people together - "It's a potluck! Just bring a covered dish!"

Food can help you avoid someone you'd rather not see - "Oh a clam bake? Yeah, I'm allergic to shellfish...I know - bummer, right?!"

The sight or smell of certain foods can transport you to another time. I remember making homemade sweet pickles and peanut butter cookies with my Grandma Joy when I was a little girl. The sight of either immediately takes me back.

Maybe it's a song that connects you to a delicious treat? If you don't get all excited when you hear the ice cream man coming up the road, you're probably a total butthole.

 Don't forget, food is always a good excuse for your wrong-doings:

"If I hadn't eaten an entire chocolate cake, my ass wouldn't be this big..."

"Um...well, yeah, so I had this Mexican food for lunch and I'm going to have to leave early today..."

"They might not be ready for bed. I kind of gave them Kool Aid about an hour ago..."

Hell, eating the right foods might can even fix that pesky gout you suffer from (black cherries), prevent heartburn (jelly beans) , or fingers crossed to ward off vampires (garlic).

Eat up...and keep the hammer somewhere the kids can't reach it.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

One Man's Trash

It seems the girls need a new dresser.

We call it a dresser. He calls it 'dis', which obviously translates to 'fort' in this case.
We bought this one a few years ago at Wal-Mart because it was cheap. As you can tell, cheap doesn't last long - or maybe cheap lasts longer when the item is in a home where there are no children. 

Chris and I decided that we'd start looking for the perfect old dresser to replace the junker they currently (can't) use. When I say old, I really mean used and when I say perfect, I really mean equal parts sturdy and cheap. Let's be honest; the damn thing's going to be covered in Dora stickers and ketchup by May. Mama ain't spendin' the college fund on a dresser.

Like any bargain hunters, we decided that the best place to look would be the local indoor flea market. I stopped in today on my lunch hour and while I didn't find the perfect dresser, I'm happy to report that the booths were filled with other interesting treasures.

Because I love you, I was thoughtful enough to document the adventure using the shitty camera on my phone. You'll likely pleased to see that I've found something for everyone today. Don't thank me, really, thank the people selling these fabulous items.
Is $15 on the high or low end of the smoking collectibles scale?
This item is marketed as an ashtray. I don't know how hot the market is on ashtrays these days, but this looks like one to add to your collection if a) you collect ashtrays or b) you collect ashtrays made from steer horns.

Pretty sure that middle baby is alien spawn. Look at the dome on her!
What would a trip to the flea market be without an overwhelming selection of creepy ass dolls? Am I right or am I right? Also, my girls would love these hideous babies. I'm raising them to love based on inner beauty rather than outward appearances. Mom point!

Booth owner: Chuck Testa? Nope!
This is possibly my favorite booth in the entire place: a hunter's paradise. I don't hunt because, well, eew, but the theme is solid. Were you Davey Crockett in a past life? This could all be yours for a small (or large, I don't know, dead animals creep me out so I didn't get close enough to check the prices) price.

'The activity and excitement of an actual big game hunt!'
As if the thought of killing your next meal (or new rug, whatevz) wasn't enough of an adrenaline rush... Maestro: mood music, please!

Sheet folder in sturdy blue steel - complete with 1960s instructions for folks who've never folded sheets before.
Moms, are you tired of the hassle that comes with folding those pesky flat sheets? Frustrated that your edges never quite match up as perfectly as you'd like? Do you wish that there was some way to make this difficult job easier? Wish no more girls. *DISCLAIMER - Dads, under no circumstances are you allowed to buy this for your lady. Those found in violation will be kicked in the balls and rendered useless.*

'Tool - Man' autograph for $15? Steal! I loved him in The Santa Clause

Sorry Baby Boomers - you're living in a world where a Tool-Man sig is worth more than an Elvis sig
Who has two thumbs and loves celebrity memorabilia? Me! Sadly, I passed on the offered selection though. Something seemed unauthentic about these. Maybe it was the prices?

"I'll give you $5 for the both of 'em and not a penny more! Ok, yeah, I'll give you $7 for the Tim Allen. Hoah hoah hoah - yeah I love him too!"

How cool would it be to have a vending machine in your own house?
With a price tag of $TOOMUCH, I didn't bring this bad boy home with me today. I really would love to set it up in the kitchen, filled with Twinkies and Zingers FOR MYSELF! Or maybe I could fill it with healthier snacks for the kids. You know, to steal their Tooth Fairy money from them like any loving parent would do.

Booze Bottle Lamp Bases = coming to a frat house near you
This is the perfect gift for that eternal bachelor in your life. Tacky, but still functional, with a full bar to choose from for those binge drinkers who refuse to drink/illuminate a room with anything other than their preferred brand.

My parents had a record player once...until my brother and I played a banana on it...
Got an aspiring DJ in the neighborhood? Let him know that this place is having a big sale on obsolete sound equipment. Sure, most of it probably doesn't work, but then you also don't have to feel like you're living in an episode of The Jersey Shore either. For that, you can thank me!

Mrs. D, even if you steal one of these cats from me, I'll have a spare!
Calling all Crazy Cat Ladies!!!! Apparently feline statuary is always sold in pairs...

This was entirely too amusing to do alone. Fingers crossed that I can get my brother to come along next week to peruse the new inventory. Also, fingers crossed that it doesn't reek of poop and sandalwood incense next time.