Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Missile Launch

I'm one of those people who thrives off of background noise. TV, radio, screaming kids, all noises that are easy to drown out and yet, I need them or something feels off. 

Tonight, I absentmindedly turned on the TV for some noise and selected an old episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels. I've seen all of the episodes and that naggy old conscience of mine reminded me that it probably wasn't kid-friendly, but I tuned in and continued my conversation with Granny. 

About 5 minutes into the show it hit me what episode we were watching- the one where Gene hangs out with Carrot Top in Vegas and accidentally glues a large vibrator to his hand. 

Cue Marlee in 3, 2, 1... 

"Mommy what is in his hand?! Is it a missile? It yooks yike a missile."

Have mercy.  

"Yes, Mar, it's a missile..."

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Mean People Suck

{This post is brought to you by Netflix}

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by Netflix in regards to being a member of their bloggers Stream Team program.

Accepting the invitation was pretty much a no-brainer for me because we have Netflix Kids streaming on at least three devices in our house at any given time! Write about something my family already can't function without? Done! 

Oh, and did I mention that they sent me a cute little Apple TV to complete the package? Well they did (and yes, I had to Google 'what is an Apple TV' before I accepted) and it's insanely easy to use - even for me!

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and as a reformed mean girl myself, I really feel that it's important to teach my kids that you get more joy from life by being kind than from making others hurt. You give to give, with no expectations and you do so simply because you want to. 

In keeping with the October theme we sat down for a family movie night last night to watch Disney's Hercules. Remember the bully in this classic? Hades. THAT'S RIGHT - ONE OF THE MOST OMINOUS EVIL VILLAIN NAMES IN DISNEY MOVIE HISTORY!

Everyone - including Chris - was shocked that I knew the words to this. I've said it once, I've said it a million times - I'm a musical savant, friends! The girls were completely entranced by the movie with full on giggles at Pegasus, scrunched up disgusted noses when Meg & Hercules fall in love, and of course stern looks of disapproval when Hades acts like a big jerk. 

Tonight we sat down and we had our anti-bullying talk, and honestly it kind of broke my heart...

ME: Guys, what's a bully?
MIA: Somebody who's always mean.
MARLEE: A big kid what is aw-ways reewy mean to you.

ME: And who was the bully in 'Hercules'?
MIA: The bad guy with the blue fire hair.
MAR: Hey! Mia I was gonna say dat!

ME: Have you ever been bullied?
MIA: Yes. One time last year at recess, me and my friend were playing on the see-saw and another kid came and told me that I had to get off because I was too fat and it was too much weight for the see-saw.
ME: Whaaaaat? When was this? Who was this kid?!
MIA: Mommy...
ME: Ugh! I'm sorry, I won't flip out. What did you do about this kid bullying you?
MIA: I told the teacher and she said right away, "That's mean! I'm going to go talk to him right now!" and then it made me feel better but not because he was getting in trouble, just 'cuz the teacher was going to ask him not to hurt my feelings anymore.

ME: Mar, have you ever been bullied?
MAR: Nope! Neva!
ME: Are you a bully?
MAR: Sometimes I am to Mia.
ME: How do you bully Mia?
MAR: I say mean tings to huh sometimes... yike... I call huh a poopy head and I say she smewz yike a sack of butt cheeks.
ME: And does that hurt Mia's feelings?
MAR: Yes and den I say 'sowwy' 'cuz it makes me feew bad when I hurt Mia's feelings.
ME: Right and nobody feels good when they make someone else feel bad.

ME: Why shouldn't you be a bully?
MIA: Because sometimes when someone is getting bullied, they will think it's ok for them to be a bully too and it's not ok. It's never ok.

Mia is 8 years old and she already can pinpoint a moment when she's been bullied. Isn't she too little for that?

And for future reference to the child who hurt my girl's feelings making comments about her weight: let me know when your birthday is, I'll make you something delicious and we'll see how easily you fit on the see-saw, kiddo. Mia's mom doesn't mess around with hippie food!

With that being said, I'm out for the night, friends. I have a glass of wine calling my name, but first I need to tuck my sweeties in and turn Phineas & Ferb on the Netflix in their room. 

Good night and be nice tomorrow!

Monday, October 21, 2013

From The Creative Minds of Babes...

The PTO at Mia's school is having a contest to come up with a new T-shirt design. 

My girl, budding little artist that she is, is very excited to enter. So excited, in fact, that she worked on her design today.

For those readers who aren't immediate members of our local community, the district is called Sherwood (as in the Sherwood Forest, ala Robin Hood) and the mascot is the Marksman (an archer). 

And for those who are new to the blog - Mia (age 8) is my good kid: polite, sensitive, NEVER says bad words or anything remotely close to a bad word. She could also care less about archers - she's really REALLY in to ponies, so what did she draw? She drew a pony and one hell of a slogan to go along with it...

'If you don't go to Sherwood, buck off!!!'

If I were a judge, this baby would have 1st place written all over it, but there's a reason that moms like me aren't a member of the PTO!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

No Tea For Me...

Tonight was the annual 'Room Parents Tea' at Mia's school and I attended for the first time ever.

Because I love my daughter (and having an excuse to leave work early a couple times a year), I've always signed up to be a room parent. Just a support parent though - never the head room parent because let's be honest, I'm kind of a clusterfuck and that's way too much responsibility for me!

Anyway, the tea was tonight and I thought I'd go and maybe get better acquainted with some of the other room moms for my girl's class. 

How did it go? Terribly...

As soon as I walked in, I realized that I was the only parent present for our class. I sat with the few friends that I had there and after a comfortable 5 minutes, we were separated because our kiddos aren't all in the same grade.

I moseyed on over to the right table, after awkwardly sitting with the wrong group (twice) and found a few familiar faces. Remember none of them have children in Mia's class! They were there happily planning their class parties. Me? I was sipping on some weak tea, looking through a handout of healthy party snacks.

Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

Mentally, I reminded myself that I'd attended so that I could get to know some of the other moms at school, and I began to make small talk. But I had to remind myself a few times:

1. No cussing at school. No cussing at school. NO CUSSING AT SCHOOL.
2. Don't say anything about 'Not having the time' to make fantastic homemade adorable treats from Pinterest like these ladies do because I work outside of the home. And I'm too lazy.
3. Do not attempt to say the names of their kids. You'll say the wrong name and offend someone. Don't do it.

And then, lo and behold, I offended someone on accident anyway because, duh, me...

MOM 1: I think I'll just make those dipped strawberries that look like ghosts!

MOM 2: Oh yum!

ME: Um ... can I make a recommendation on those?

MOM 1: ... What's that?

ME: Have you ever made those before? 

MOM 1: Dipped strawberries? Yes. I made them last year - don't you remember?

ME: You did? You DID, didn't you! 

(Honest to God I didn't remember though. I didn't remember her child being in Mia's class, and I can't even tell you what I took to last year's Halloween party, let alone what everyone else sent!)

MOM 1: Yes. What were you going to recommend?

ME: Well I was ... just going to say that you want to take your time with those. I made them a couple of years ago for a class party and I rushed making them... 

(Insert everyone looking at me quizzically waiting for the dramatic finale of this tale.)

ME: ...and when they were done they looked like a bunch of penises. And I sent them to school anyway. And they were delicious.

(Insert silent horrified looks from most of the other moms.)

MOM 1: Well... like I said - I've made them before. A lot of times actually.

ME: Oh... Congratulations then... Good job. You're probably a pro at this point.

MOM 1: (no words, just an icy stare)

Annnnnd about 5 minutes after that, I said "I'm out girls!" and all but ran for the door.

Why must I always be the inappropriate mom? I try really hard to just blend in but it never works out.

They looked like wieners, didn't they? Don't rush. 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Googled It

I'm currently welcoming the cool weather with open arms: Hello there, sweater weather! Long time, no see!

{insert awkward, yet genuine hug between Fall & myself right here}

Something about the temperature drives me straight into Suzie Homemaker mode, and I crave a cozy house filled with the smell of my own cooking.

Seriously - there is nobody's (minus my mom's but that goes without saying) cooking that I crave as much as my own. Not to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT Y'ALL, I'm a dang good cook! 

And yet, between the months of May and August I just can't motivate myself to cook. Summer makes Mama lazy! 

"How 'bout a turkey sandwich? Or something we can microwave? Who wants a Hot Pocket?"

I like to tell myself that it's not neglect...

Anyway! It's cold today and the lady thought it would be a really nice gesture to cook for her husband after a long day at work:
  • Slow cooked ribs
  • Sweet corn 
  • Loaded baked potatoes
  • Corn bread fresh from the oven
This lady also had to Google a recipe for baked potatoes. Not for the ingredients, but for the temperature and length of time to bake those suckers.

I find this pretty shameful - what kind of self-proclaimed good cook Googles a recipe for baked potatoes?


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Piece of Advice

Just for future reference, it's probably not a great idea to say the words, "Come on, come on, you dirty crack whore!" in front of your kids.

Oh yeah, you might think you're saying it quietly. You might even think the only person who can hear you is your mom, who's riding shotgun in the Mom mobile.

You're way wrong though! If you say it, your 3 year old son will probably immediately say something along the lines of "Mommy, you no yike dat cakk huuur yady? You no yike dat yady?"

Then your mouth will drop open and your eyes will bug out of your head.

In my defense though - it's a small town, and the lady really was a known crack head. Whore? I don't know that for sure.

Shouldn't there be some kind of filter moms get once we have children?


In other news, Babble's beginning their annual 100 Best Bloggers campaign for 2013. High Heels & Dirty Dishes has been nominated for Reader's Choice (thanks, Mom) in both the Parenting and Humor & Entertainment categories. 

If you have a chance, stop by and share my page - or don't, but don't expect a hug on your birthday, guys - and check out all of the other awesome bloggers in the running!


Last but not least, I joined the modern world and got an iPhone! Ok, Chris got me an iPhone. 

I thought using it would be easy, but I'm still all confused. HOW DO YOU SCREEN SHOT SOMETHING? I seriously learned yesterday at lunch and by supper my new found knowledge was gone!