Friday, November 30, 2012

10 and 2 With Clammy Hands, Y'all

How many ibuprofen does it take to get through a second grade field trip? I couldn't tell you because I stopped counting after six! Har har har...just kidding, but also entirely serious. I did take some ibuprofen because I have a tooth that hurts, but not because the kids were terrible. They were actually really great today!

Really though, field trip day always makes me nervous. Super nervous! 

And why? Because it requires ME to DRIVE in DOWNTOWN KANSAS CITY!

You guys might find this hard to believe, but I'm not the world traveler that you'd expect me to be. I know - shocking! I've lived in Garden City (population: 1600) almost my whole life. Do you realize that we don't have a single stop light here? Let alone multiple stop lights and one-way streets and areas that jump from Mercedes to machine gun in less than a block.

Anyway, once I'm north of the Grandview Triangle, my palms get sweaty and I cuss the woman's voice on the Tom Tom in equal parts frustration and panic.

"Stay left. Stay left."

"I got it, bitch! I've been staying left since Belton!"

Now add in the backing vocals of my sister-in-law, Laura, giggling her face off before joining in my verbal assault against Lady Tom - "We're left, damn it! We ARE left!"

(And just so we're clear, yes, it's a well-known Rule of Redneckery that you must cuss all electronic devices no matter how helpful they may be. It's not your fault that you don't understand how to use the stupid thing. It's just the gadget being a piece of crap, plain and simple.)

Obviously, we could've turned the voice down on the navigator, but then we would've had to look at the map. We're women, people, not 15th century explorers. We don't read maps! 

I'm happy to report that we made it to the field trip, had an awesome time, and then drove all the way home without getting lost! Bonus: our parking was free too - not because we got our stub validated like responsible adults, but because the lady at the gate didn't want to mess with us when we explained that we'd lost the stub within 5 minutes of parking. Without ever leaving the car. Because that's what happens when small town girls park in a big city garage.

"Do you ever feel like we're not really the adults in this equation?"

"Um...yes. All the time."

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Gettin' Gorgeous

Maybe you're not a makeup person, but I am. I really love makeup, and I've been blessed with two daughters who adore it as much as I do. 

Yesterday, I went on this cleaning frenzy (or that might've been Friday...I don't know, really because 4 day weekends just make the days of bliss run together) and walked in to the back room to find the girls watching videos on YouTube. 

"You're not going to believe this, Mommy! This little girl - I don't even know her name - she makes videos teaching you how to do the makeup for ALL of the Monster High dolls!!!!!"

And you know what? I couldn't believe it! This girl looks to be maybe Mia's age and she's doing full on makeup tutorials. Dang it! Why didn't I think of that? My girls could've been internet sensations!

If you aren't familiar with Monster High dolls, well, you must have sons. All I can say is that they are similar to Barbies, but uh...dead or undead? And more expensive. The girls are absolutely bananas about them right now. I heard that Santa is super pumped about that...

This evening, we decided to try our hand at KittiesMama's technique. 

Look at 'em! All fresh faced, pulling off the 'We're well behaved' act!

Mia decided that she wanted the Venus McFlytrap makeover. "Mommy, don't forget! Three fangs on top and four fangs on the bottom, ok?!"

We gave her large fangs. Mama's got shaky hands.
And uh...NAILED IT!

Ding Dong went with the look of Skelita Calaveras, who from what I got out of this video isn't even a real doll but was custom made for this little girl? I don't know. My kid looked awesome though!

Kat Von D, your liquid Tattoo Liner continues to rock my socks off!
Not too shabby, if I do say so myself!

Oh, and in case you need a helping of handsome, here's a nice one of Miles in his 'cay-cuh'. 

Have a great week, friends! Palis - out!

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Little Gentleman

Somewhere in internetland, there's an Ecard floating featuring a one-liner about moms never trusting a silent house because it ultimately means their children are doing something they're not supposed to be doing.

With this being said, I'll let you in on Miles's new favorite spot in the house: the bathroom.

If the house is too quiet, the odds are pretty good that he's in the bathroom and he's destroying something:

  • Squirting toothpaste all over the lid of the toilet seat, I can deal with that because it cleans easily.
  • Using the bathroom scale as a springboard, I can deal with that because it cost $5.00.
  • Unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper, I can deal with that because we can roll it back up.
  • Coloring on the mirror with chapstick, I can deal with that because the room then smells like cherries.
  • Filling the sink with water and all of the handsoap, I can deal with that because at least his hands are clean.
You know what I have a really hard time dealing with though? The kid drinking out of the toilet!

I don't care that he used one of his sisters' porcelain teacups. I don't care that he had his tiny little pinky out. I don't care that he had the sweetest little satisfied smile on his face when I shrieked "Miles Christopher! That! Is! Disgusting!"

And once again, and Ecard slaps me in the face with the cold hard evidence that children are adorable little demons...