Friday, November 30, 2012

10 and 2 With Clammy Hands, Y'all

How many ibuprofen does it take to get through a second grade field trip? I couldn't tell you because I stopped counting after six! Har har har...just kidding, but also entirely serious. I did take some ibuprofen because I have a tooth that hurts, but not because the kids were terrible. They were actually really great today!

Really though, field trip day always makes me nervous. Super nervous! 

And why? Because it requires ME to DRIVE in DOWNTOWN KANSAS CITY!

You guys might find this hard to believe, but I'm not the world traveler that you'd expect me to be. I know - shocking! I've lived in Garden City (population: 1600) almost my whole life. Do you realize that we don't have a single stop light here? Let alone multiple stop lights and one-way streets and areas that jump from Mercedes to machine gun in less than a block.

Anyway, once I'm north of the Grandview Triangle, my palms get sweaty and I cuss the woman's voice on the Tom Tom in equal parts frustration and panic.

"Stay left. Stay left."

"I got it, bitch! I've been staying left since Belton!"

Now add in the backing vocals of my sister-in-law, Laura, giggling her face off before joining in my verbal assault against Lady Tom - "We're left, damn it! We ARE left!"

(And just so we're clear, yes, it's a well-known Rule of Redneckery that you must cuss all electronic devices no matter how helpful they may be. It's not your fault that you don't understand how to use the stupid thing. It's just the gadget being a piece of crap, plain and simple.)

Obviously, we could've turned the voice down on the navigator, but then we would've had to look at the map. We're women, people, not 15th century explorers. We don't read maps! 

I'm happy to report that we made it to the field trip, had an awesome time, and then drove all the way home without getting lost! Bonus: our parking was free too - not because we got our stub validated like responsible adults, but because the lady at the gate didn't want to mess with us when we explained that we'd lost the stub within 5 minutes of parking. Without ever leaving the car. Because that's what happens when small town girls park in a big city garage.

"Do you ever feel like we're not really the adults in this equation?"

"Um...yes. All the time."