Monday, October 13, 2014

Shunned

Well, after 4 years of cohabitation, Marlee has finally noticed that Miles has an outie belly button.

She - along with Mia, Chris, and myself - sports a classic innie belly button.

Obviously, this is a problem, you guys...

"If he has an outie, he can't be part of this family anymore!"


He's cute, isn't he? Alas, I'm just a minion in the evil schemes of a 6 year old and she says he has to go. Godspeed, little buddy. Come back when you get a new belly button.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Chauffeur Needed

Let's say that on your way home from work last night, you're cruising along at your normal speed (below the speed limit). Other cars are passing by you as if you're going... 20 mph slower than the rest of traffic. Maybe you don't realize this until you're about half way home and even though your speedometer reads a steady 70 mph when you speed up, the other cars seem to be running upwards of 90 mph. You creep up your speed until it reads 85mph (way faster than you'd normally drive), but the other cars are still flying past you like you're sitting still.

Would that freak you out a little? Give you a case of the shaky legs and sweaty palms? 

Let's say the next morning you leave the house and realize that your gas light is on. You stop for gas, swipe your debit card to pay at the pump and run inside to grab coffee. You're in a hurry because it's the one day out of the month where you absolutely can't be late for work. After paying for the coffee, you come out to see that the pump has kicked off and signified that your tank is full. You remove the nozzle and hop in your car, only to find that your gas light is still glowing and showing an empty tank. The pump had read a total of $55.60 when you got back into your car though, so you're pretty sure that you did, in fact, just get gas.

Would that freak you out a little? Que the leg shakes and make you wipe your damp hands on your pants?

THOSE THINGS SURE AS HELL FREAK ME OUT, YOU GUYS!

Do you know what's messed up on my car? Practically everything, but now we can some of the little gauges on my dashboard right into the mix! Yea! Hooray!

As of yesterday afternoon, my speedometer's accuracy is somewhere between 5-20 mph of the speed I'm actually driving. It's really exciting because I never know if the gauge will be correct or not when I start the car! Yea! It really compliments the oil gauge though (hasn't worked right in a month), I have to admit. When neither of them are working? Damn near perfection...

As far as my gas gauge, it actually hasn't stopped working (yet). Apparently, I never actually STARTED pumping gas this morning, and the total of $55.60 that showed on the pump when I came out belonged to the customer before me. I honestly don't even think I put my card into the pump to begin with... I'm very thorough... 

Have you ever thought you got gas, left the gas station, then pulled in to a different gas station 3 miles away "Just in case I'm losing my frigging mind"? I have, and I got $20 in unleaded and that little gas light turned right off. This is what happens when I make the effort to get to work on time, I guess!

In conclusion, I probably have no business driving a motor vehicle. The last time I was this freaked out was a few years ago when I looked in the rear view mirror only catch a glimpse of a person in my back seat. It freaked me out so bad that I didn't want to turn around and look again! My mind started racing - if I stopped, he'd drag me to the back seat of the car and probably rape me after the car wrecked! If I kept driving, what if he put a gun to my head or a knife to my throat and murdered me? I was so SO terrified. 

Would that freak you out a little? Full on knees knocking, hands just wringing wet? 

Yes, it would, but only until you realized that it wasn't a rapist or murderer. It was your son's car seat and you are a complete nut job.

Anyway, if anyone would like to drive me back and forth to work from now on, it's a fun gig (because I'm a morning person and I like to sing) but he pay is terrible (the pay is nonexistent). Serious inquiries only.