Sure, there's a risk of food poisoning with each deep-fried bite, but we go for the atmosphere. It's nice and quiet since most of the other patrons are at least 60 years older than we are, and the D's Blue Hair Club always makes for good conversation:
ME: "Did you see that guy's belt? It said FARM ALL and had red tractors all over it!"
JIMMY: "Where? Look at that lady - seems to be quite tricky to keep the dentures in when you're eating corn on the cob."
ME: "Yep. Hey did that ole boy reek of whiskey, or am I crazy?"
JIMMY: "I believe he did...Did you hear that one in front of us? Who the fuck orders their fish well done?!"
Now, don't get me wrong - we're not being disrespectful. We love old people! They're so blunt and comfortable with who they are. The elderly make no apologies for their likes and dislikes, and to be honest, they shouldn't have to! If you're still kicking at 117, you've earned the right to wave that flag proudly.
Inevitably, we leave lunch calling dibs on some Grams or Gramps inside with a simple "When I'm old, I'm going to be just like that!"
Depending on the day, my kids think I'm anywhere from 6 to "really, really old". I am, in fact, 28 years old which is really NOT that old. If I think back ten years ago (which feels like it was just yesterday), I was 18 and 28 really did seem ancient. Some things I love now, would've mortified me then.
I conducted a little survey tonight and asked some friends - all young at heart - to list a few things that they never would've dreamed of enjoying 10 years ago.
Laura, my sweetheart sister-in-law / bestest baker I know / woman who makes me feel completely validated when I hit the point of insanity: With maturity comes practicality...
- A minivan - all of the kids fit comfortably. Plus it's fuel efficient. Such a mom thing to say...
- The diaper purse - what's the point in carrying 2 separate bags? Nothing is just Mom's, it's always ours.
- Potpourri - used to smell like old lady dead flowers, but now smells just as the package says "Crisp Autumn Morning"!
- Driving the speed limit.
- Waking up sober.
- AARP membership...
- Shape Ups by Sketchers - probably the easiest workout ever. Plus, great for the shorties like Grandma Grandpa when they want to feel taller!
- A cane - Not just good for walking, but also good for smacking your husband with when he won't stop talking during your show!
- Mowing the lawn. (Insert Hispanic stereotype here...I can say that about him and get away with it because we're friends!)
- Watching the DIY channel.
- Choosing a neat glass of scotch over an ice cold beer.
- Taking naps. (Cathe, I'm going to assume we're on the same page here - kid nap time = Mommy nap time?!)
- Organizing the closets & cabinets
- Excedrin Migraine quick-release tablets - hallelujah!!!
- Elastic waistbands
- Sunday drives through scenic Garden City, Missouri
- Fiber bars every morning for breakfast.
- Battery-operated boyfriends.
- Reading glasses - multiple sets because they're soooo easy to lose...
- Spanx (amen, sister!)
- GPS - you're going to get lost anyway, at least now you can blame it on the Garmin.
- Not going shopping constantly.
And now, a few things I swore I'd never want/use/enjoy when I got older:
|The ubiquitous old lady nightgown, mom jeans, and solid torpedo bra with underwires|
|Oh spice rack, you are the red Solo cup of my world...|
|The 'I Feel Pretty' MVPs: aerosol hairspray & rat tail comb, antacids, Tucks pads, and the best wrinkle cream in the world|
|Honey, calm down - you spend now to save money later! Everyone knows that...|
|Unplanned pregnancies, whatcha gonna do about 'em? At least they're trained to eat popsicles only in the bathtub.|
Ten years ago, when he turned 40? He announced that all he wanted for his birthday was a coffin and a bottle of tequila. "I'll drink until I'm ready to pass out and then I'll climb into the coffin. Set that sucker next to the road. Don't waste any money on a funeral - just ask people to drive by and honk to pay their respects. Ain't worth livin after you hit 40..."
Still kickin' at age 50, and still bitchin' too. Maturity is having your wife Google your daughter's description of your persona...
- The Early Bird Special. "I eat early so I can go to bed early. Some of us have to wake up and make a living before noon!"
- Cable TV. "Yeah, you can come over for dinner, but everyone needs to leave by the time Ice Road Truckers starts..."
- Having 48 hours to recuperate after too much tequila. "Maybe we shouldn't have went to Waffle House after I drank all of that Jose...Holly, get me a quilt and crank the furnace up. I need to sweat this one out before I clean start cleaning the gutters."
Comment away: I swore I'd never... but damn it if I don't kind of like it...