Saturday, July 30, 2011

Attention, Walmart Shoppers

Remember when Walmart put that little yellow smiley face on everything? It seemed so friendly and reassuring. "The number of falling prices I just encountered was borderline obscene! I can't pay the electric bill now, but this happy fella on the receipt kind of eases the guilt..."

In more recent years, their logo has been changed into an asterisk which I personally find to be a more appropriate emblem. "My total is HOW MUCH?! F***!" 

It's like the Walmart Stockholm Syndrome:
  1. You make your (short) list of things to pick up, muttering to yourself that you should've already done the shopping when you were in town the day before. Now you'll have to fight lake traffic/Friday Payday shoppers/the heat/etc. You hope for the best though: quick and cheap - that's the goal.
  2. Pull into the parking lot and realize that there are, in fact, a million people there shopping. Awesome. There aren't any close parking spots and it's 150 degrees outside and you have little kids to haul inside. Plus your 30lb purse. Plus your 70lb diaper bag. That's OK, you're getting exercise.
  3. The prescription isn't ready yet, so you need to come back and wait in line again in 15 minutes or so.
  4. You have to look at the toy aisle with said kids. Of course they want something or multiple something. The baby throws his prize out of the cart more times in a 30 second span than you imagined to be humanly possible. And only keeps it in his hands when you stop fighting him on eating the price tag.
  5. Someone has to pee. You forget something on the opposite side of the 'Super Center'. Now you have to pee. And you prefer the bathroom at the back of the store - where you just were. 
  6. Make a circle around the grocery section to grab the necessities - cringing because you really prefer the big lovely grocery store over Walmart. Try your best not to step on the toddler's heel as she "wides the cart like a skeetbod"
  7. Pick up prescription. Try to discourage toddler from picking up the most embarrassing items within her little reach. (Marlee:"Mommy, what's that?" Me in a whisper:"It's an enema, Mar. Put it back. We don't want that." Marlee: "But what's it for? For sick? For throw up?" Me with teeth clenched: "For people that can't poop. DO NOT PUT IT IN OUR CART!" Marlee: no words, just hysterical giggling) Discreetly put it back on the shelf and knock two others onto the floor. 
  8. Finally head to the register after being in the store for two hours, which is about an hour and a half longer than you'd planned on being in the store. By this point, all you want to do is leave and the only cashier with a short line is the express cashier. You tell yourself that it's alright to go to the line because even though you know darn well that you have more than 20 items, they're all small things so it's alright. Plus, the cashier looks new, so surely she'll be more friendly than the old beasts you usually end up with. (Someone please explain to me how one finds the inner zen to keep from busting an old lady in the chops when she barks at your kids to stop touching the bag carousel? It's a miracle I haven't been charged with elderly abuse at this point.)
  9. "Your total is $***.00, Ma'am"  F***! And she called you Ma'am. Double whammy!
  10. Load all of your unnecessary purchases (plus the 5 items you came for) into the car. Pull out of the parking lot and immediately think of something that you forgot. Plan to come back within 48 hours to pick it up.
Walmart: Draining people of their hard-earned money, and their will to live since 1962.