Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Crash Course in Realism

Why do things happen the way that they do?  
"I don't know, go ask your Daddy."
"Because I said so."
"Karma; I'll tell you more about it when someone hits on your first boyfriend..."
"Because I'm the mom, that's why."
"What?! You're 6, ask me again in 5 years."
I'm not an optimist by nature, nor am I a pessimist. 

I am a realist, and I believe that everything happens for a reason simply based on cause and effect. 

I may not fully grasp why certain things happen in the moment, but reflecting back on it later? That little dome light in my head eventually kicks on telling me why I had that chain of events all lined up and waiting for me with a big, glittery bow on top - like it or not. 

That being said, these are a few hypothetical situations that may or may not have occurred today... 

Hypothetical Situation #1:
A certain someone wakes up on time, gets themselves looking fabulous in the pair of black pants that finally got washed over the weekend. They leave the house with plenty of time to spare before work, so stopping at the gas station for coffee seems ideal. Sun is shining, not too hot outside (yet). The nice clerk at the counter might say "What kind of perfume do you have on? You smell amazing!" while hypothetical person is paying. "Oh, thanks! It's...um... this perfume...", may be the reply because let's be honest, hypothetical person is awkward as hell when on the receiving end of a compliment. Totally could have been an awesome start to the day though.
  •  So the compliment is going to serve as a reward for some type of do-gooder deed that the hypothetical person carried out - like maybe being an awesome mom and making homemade boxed chocolate chip banana muffins for breakfast on Saturday. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That's not a direct quote. I didn't Google it. The perfume really does smell amazing though. It's something I'd imagine a wealthy hippie would wear if she were to trade these in for these.
Hypothetical Situation #2:
A completely different person might happen to show up on time to work on Monday (the most evil of all days of the week). On time, revved for the week, feeling good about clean black pants outfit. Time to start the work day...Long story short, this could have been the mid-morning scenario that unfolded: While fetching some water for another person, this poor unsuspecting soul reached up into an overhead cabinet, spotted a plastic cup - NOT KNOWING THAT THE CUP WAS FILLED WITH MOLDY TOBACCO SPIT - and proceeded to spill it all the way down her their clothes. From. Collarbone. To. Ankle. The person might've threatened bodily harm to the unknown owner of said plastic cup'o'nastiness. Person would then continue working in stinky, disgusting, stained clothes until task was complete before hauling ass to Wal-Mart and buying a change of clothing.
  • The spilled Skoal cocktail is going to serve as payback for ... What? I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything to warrant that kind of retribution. Straight up, flat out, disgusting. If good things come to those who wait, I swear by all that is mighty - something spec-f'ing-tacular ought to be headed my way quick, fast, and in a hurry. The silver lining? I was forced to buy a new bra during the whole ordeal. Hi, my name is Jen and at 27 I think I've (finally) figured out what my bra size is.
Moral of the story: there is no perfume in the world that smells good when layered over someone else's moldy saliva. I'm taking a personal day tomorrow. It's a wonder I don't drink heavily.