Dear Garbie,
Hello
there! I hope that this letter finds you doing well and that you're
enjoying your evening after a hard day of picking up garbage all over my
sweet little town.
Look-
I know that being a garbie
is hard work. I know that you probably get little to no enjoyment out
of your job, aside from a well-earned paycheck at the end of the pay
period. I know you get home each night, and smell like ... well,
probably a garbage can. I feel for you, I do, and I appreciate the fact
that you perform a service that not many people would want to perform.
Sympathy
aside, I'd like to get right down to business here: I would really
appreciate it if you'd stop acting like a total dickhead.
The
thing is, each Thursday morning, we drag our two trashcans down to the
end of the driveway because we pay for a service in which you pick up
the cans and empty the contents (neatly bagged and tied shut so that the
contents don't spill on your fluorescent attire) into your truck. We
place the trashcans in a certain spot every time - centered between the
ditch and the edge of the driveway.
Why
do we place the cans there? So that we're able to maneuver our vehicles
in and out of the driveway without hitting the trashcans and knocking
them over.
Imagine my frustration when I get
home from work every single Thursday and find my two trashcans either A)
thrown into the ditch that is 4 feet deep or B) laying on their sides
across the driveway like the entrance to a really shitty gated
community!
Sure, my kids get a kick out of it
when we pull up and after uttering a few choice phrases, I ask if they'd
like me to ram the shit out of the cans. "Yeah! Drive really, really fast Mom! Smash 'em!"
They
also enjoy the sight of Mommy, launching her purse at the porch like a
giant leather grenade before making her way down the gravel driveway in 3
inch heels, and attempting to pull the nasty ass trashcans out of the
big ditch.
Hell,
I'm sure the neighbors enjoy seeing these things as well, though at
this point they've all probably witnessed at least one of my front yard
hissy fits.
You know who doesn't enjoy those things though? Me, motherfucker! The one paying for the service!
Does
it really require that much more effort for you to sit the God damn can
down after you've emptied it? Are you so rushed that tossing it into
the muddy, water-filled ditch is your only option? I doubt it, asshole. Mrs. D doesn't even put hers in a friggin can - and it's only 15 steps
from her driveway to mine. Trust me, you can take a few seconds to do me
a solid.
If you don't, then you can look
forward to 7 days worth of dirty diapers dumped all loosey-goosey
across the top of each can for the next couple of weeks, like sprinkles
on a sundae but disgusting and completely unsanitary.
Consider this your one warning. Get
your shit together, please; otherwise, I'll make your job suck even more
than I'm sure it already does.
Sincerely,
Jen
*****
Just a reminder to check out yesterday's post and leave a comment to be included in the running for a giveaway from each of the ole blog's 4 sponsors! Winners will be announced on Saturday evening!
Good news - tomorrow's Friday! Try not to kill anyone between now and then, friends!
LOL You go girl!! I feel your pain. They do the exact same thing here. Really gets old. Get out of the car in the pouring rain, to move the can. Grrrrrrrrrrr I really hope somebody from the trash company reads this!! Other wise, I say bring on the dirty diapers!!!
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO! I actually snorted at one point...I've seen the front yard hissy fit over the trash cans.....I think you might have to print this and mail it in with your next payment. lol! love ya Mom
ReplyDeleteDying laughing. Seriously though, I totally feel ya on this one. I put ours right on this nice little angle part of concrete near our mailbox. Every Friday morning, the can(s) end up strewn on the other side of the driveway usually at least partially blocking my husband's entrance to that side. WTF?
ReplyDeleteLol, loved it. So true, and the reason why we started taking our garbage bags out of the cans on garbage day. They are all dicks, I don't trust them! My cans stay safely by my house now
ReplyDeleteThis is why we now use a dumpster, they now have to come up the driveway. Yes it costs a little more, but I no longer have to repair my cans with duct tape or replace the can because of them playing garbage can toss with them.
ReplyDeletewell damn, my comment didn't post.. so here we go, post number 2! Jen, I loved this post. It makes me realize how lucky I am with are Garbie! Ours isn't a dickhead. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, so I can appreciate them a little more!
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
Good thing I am a fan of clicking through links. Good thing I will complete NaBloPoMo this month and am considering next month, or I would have deleted the email, and missed your link in said email. Good thing all that happened, so I could have the best laugh of the day, and know there is someone out there living a life that (sort of) parallels mine. :D
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ReplyDeleteYou are too much. I love how it goes from Sincerely, Jen to Just a reminder to check out our giveaway. Seamless transition ;) You would get along well with my husband who says the same thing every Wednesday afternoon. If we could pick up the dog mess without a bag, I'm betting he would sprinkle some poop on top of the garbage!!
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