Sunday, December 16, 2012

The One Where Miles (Almost) Drove The Yukon

Let's talk about the trip to Price Chopper today, shall we?

You know I love the PC. It's my happy place. It's my sanctuary. It is, in all essence, awesome.

Except not so much today maybe...

Today, the PC was so crowded. It happens sometimes but Granny and I go anyway because that's just what women do when there's a good sale! Ground beef was on sale (as in really on sale not still expensive on sale) and I had this genius idea that if I went today I might not have to go again until after Christmas. 

Well, everyone in Cass County must've wanted super-on-sale ground beef today because as I said, the place was packed! Do you know how Marlee and Miles act in the grocery store? Here's a hint: I gave Marlee a smack on the booty in the check-out line when I finally reached my boiling point. For the record, I don't typically condone spanking your children in public, because I feel that everyone punishes differently and it's a personal thing, but I smacked her and told her that I would ... maybe whip her little ass if she didn't knock it off. Maybe I said that, but unless your name is Jen, Marlee, Granny, or 'boy cashier' you'll never really know for sure...

Finally, we make it out to the car. Being the loving, caring, nurturing mama that I am, I unlocked the door and started the car so that it would be warm for the kiddos. As Granny loaded her bags into the back of the Mom-mobile, I then loaded Terror 1 and Terror 2 into their car seats and buckled them in, shut their doors and went to help Granny out. 

About...  zero minutes later, Granny notices Marlee in the driver's seat pushing buttons on the steering wheel. 

"BWWWWAAAH!!!!!!!!!! Marlee! Oh my God, Jen the door's locked!!!! She's locked us out!"

Of course she's saying this at the exact same time I'm shrieking "GOD DAMN IT MARLEE! You're REALLY getting a spanking now!!!"

And just then, Marlee turns and climbs in to the back seat, only to reveal that Miles is now in the driver's seat with his pale little hand on the lever to pull it into drive. 

Again, simultaneously:

GRANNY: Oh my God! Oh Jesus! Help us!

ME: Son of a bitch! Mother fucker!

This, friends, is when yours truly attempted to hurdle from the trunk of the Yukon to the front seat. I've mentioned that I was never a track star, right? Well, that happened. And no, I didn't smash the bread or break any eggs. Granny says she thinks there's a knee print on her package of bacon though! I'm positive it was the least graceful hurdling attempt ever made from rear to front in a Denali. I'd be willing to bet money on it.

Crisis averted, we settle everyone in for the trip home and just when we think we're calm enough to drive - BAM! A couple of crackheads are behind my car, chasing down an old man who's sideswiped three other parked cars! Did we stick around to watch? You betcha, we did!

Just another day in the life, you guys. Totally typical!