Thursday, July 18, 2013

This Story Involves Pooping (Just a Heads Up)

Today I got to make a run to Walmart for office supplies. For someone who is usually stuck in the office all day, there are few thrills that compare with going to the store on the clock - never mind that I was only picking up spiral notebooks and packages of pencils. I was shopping and there weren't even small children begging for a trip down the toy aisle.

Completely exhilarating, you guys!

About half way through my adventure, I got the sweaty palm stomach cramps. What do you think that means? Sweaty palm stomach cramps... poop, friends, it means poop.

(I was thankful that this discomfort occurred at Walmart to be honest - anyone close to me knows that I don't poop at work because it gives me anxiety. If you didn't know that tidbit before, you're a full-fledged member of Jen's TMI Club now. Welcome and please bring snacks next time the club meets.)

Like any sane person, I headed to the bathroom in the back because it's less crowded:
A) Because I'm courteous like you wouldn't believe when it comes to pooping at Walmart! 
B) Because there's less of a chance of that awkward moment when you've pooped and have to face everyone else in the bathroom afterward! 

BUT! I go in to the huge restroom and where it's usually deserted, it's fucking packed!

"Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD! You people need to get the hell out of here NOW!"

Anxiety surges and suddenly, everyone else clears out of the stalls at the same time. High five! I calmly choose a stall that hasn't been used in the last 30 seconds like I'm in no hurry, 

"Just in here for a quick pee, ladies! Nothing out of the ordinary!"

After what seemed like forever, those turtles cleared out of the restroom and I was free to proceed with my business. And I did for a bit, until I heard the door open and someone else entered the bathroom.

"Oh great.... Don't use the stall next to mine... Don't use the stall next to mine..."

She, not so courteous, naturally chooses the stall next to mine instead of any of the other 500 empty stalls.

"What a stupid bitch! What's WRONG with people?!"

Then just as I started to calm down, Karma caught up with me for pooping in public: as soon as the woman in the next stall went silent, I accidentally farted... LOUDLY. Like, movie fart. Cartoon fart. 

She responded with complete silence.

And then I giggled like a small child.

I was both completely mortified and terrifically amused! I guess it really is possible to be a 29 year old woman and a 10 year old boy at the exact same time...