Thursday, June 20, 2013

Hurts So Good, Right Babe

Chris has poison ivy on his man parts!

Weren't expecting to read that, were you? Well I didn't expect him to take a pic of my new (and clearly genius) use for the toothbrush holder the other night. 


Paybacks are hell, Palis! Remember that!

Now first off, I don't want you going around feeling sorry for him. The guy dry humps me every chance he gets and in all of our years together, having poison ivy downtown is the only thing that's prevented him from being SO INAPPROPRIATE!

Let's discuss his method of treatment for this ailment, shall we?

As we're getting ready for bed, he's telling me just how irritating the itch is - and graphically scratching. Me? I'm laughing because you guys, it's on his wiener! This is the stuff from movies and it.is.hysterical for me!

CHRIS: Stop laughing! This is really bad!

ME: I can't stop! I just can't because you deserve this, pervert!

CHRIS: Nobody deserves this!

ME: Have you even tried any medicine?

CHRIS: No. Well, Benedryl a few minutes ago. You're going to make fun of me, but I looked for home remedies online today and I found something that I could try...

ME: Is it gasoline? Are you pulling a Telly Miles?! Tell me it's gasoline! 

CHRIS: No... nail polish remover...

ME: (Hysterical laughter) DO IT! DO IT NOW!

Chris disappears and returns with the nail polish remover and a few cotton balls. Of course, I'm still laughing like crazy. He hasn't even 'treated' the area yet, and he's already wincing in pain.

CHRIS: Stop laughing! You're making me laugh and I'm going to spill this on the carpet!

ME: Ok, ok I'll stop...Puss! Just do it!

He dabs....

CHRIS: OHHHHH MYYYYY GOOOODDDDD! Holy shit! It BURRRRNS!

ME: (absolute hysterics again) Yessssss!

I asked him if I could take a picture of him and his medicine, but he told me absolutely not. To help you visualize this though: a grown man with about an inch of buttcrack showing, yelling in pain as he dabs his baby making parts with a poison-filled cotton ball! 

If this isn't a perfect marriage, I don't know what is.