Sunday, April 29, 2012

Current Events for $200, Alex

Well hello there! Long time, no see, right?

I know, I'm a horribly sporadic blogger these days...

Anyway, a few recent hits and misses in the life of yours truly:

For the record, I don't know how to set the clock either...
 Chris brought home a new microwave last weekend after our dinosaur finally succumbed to its inevitable extinction. As you might've guessed, I have no freaking clue how to use it... 

"Chris! How the hell do I thaw out 2 pieces of fish? I pushed defrost, but it's still not working!"
"You have to pick a category to defrost."
"There isn't a fish category! Does fish thaw like poultry? I hate this piece of shit already!"
"Jesus...move..."

I miss my old junker with the turn dial, even though it really only heated food to two temperatures - frozen solid and molten lava hot. I also miss the days of walking past the microwave without noticing that someone took their food out and left 2 seconds on the timer. If people (my husband) don't start clearing that damn timer, I'm going to have to start chopping people's (my husband's) hands off.

*****

Summer's almost here and life is moving forward accordingly.

Yesterday was City-Wide Clean Up Day here in GC. If your town doesn't host one, you're seriously missing out. Free disposal of all of the random junk that I have no use for anymore? I'm in!

I cleaned out the garage all by myself, and I'm pleased to say that we hauled off an entire truck load of crap. Adios, rusted out BBQ grill, bag of leftover fireworks from last year, stinky comforter filled with holes!

Still filled to the brim, but at least there's a path to walk through now!
Since I was in a rare productive mood (and I was already sweaty and stinky), I made the decision to dig up overgrowth and use it to fill in all of the giant holes in our back yard. My entire body regrets it today. I could never be a farmer...

In a fruitless effort, I attempted to dig out a ginormous wooden post from the old clothes line. The other is gone, but we left one standing, logically. As I stood there looking at it like an idiot, Marlee picked up the shovel and started to dig her own hole.

She hit cement after a few shallow scoops and we unearthed 2 small rectangles. Because I'm obviously off my rocker, I immediately knew that they were headstones and we had bodies buried in our back yard. 

Tell me if you found those babies buried in the ground, you wouldn't freak out a little too...
 For three reasons, this made perfect sense to me:
  1. My house is haunted. Genuinely haunted. Yes, it scares the crap out of me. No, not bad enough to move out.
  2. The house next door used to serve as a doctor's office/small hospital. My house has only been here since the 1960s, but there's definitely a lot of history to the neighborhood. It's totally possible that someone died there and they buried them where my back yard is, right?
  3. As I mentioned before, I'm obviously off my rocker. My line of thought isn't always rational.
We didn't find any bones, but then again, I didn't want to find any bones. I can only imagine the scary scenarios that come with disturbing a grave. I'm cool, thanks!

*****
I wrote a while ago about my burglar/creeper. Just to update you all, the Old Man came over in a fit of rage (or fatherly concern, it's pretty much the same thing with him) and burglar-proofed our house. The screens are now drilled into the window frames, he created extra slide locks with big hunks of wood like you'd see on a barn door, rigged up the motion lights to point in a different direction (complete with RED duct tape...). 

Also, because I'm 28 years old, I'm still terrified of getting in trouble with my dad. He's forbidden us from opening the windows after dark. Sometimes we sneak it...sometimes he drives by at 2AM and sees that the windows are open and we've broken his rules... sometimes we get our asses chewed by the Old Man even though we haven't lived at home in almost 10 years...

I saw a flashlight dart across the yard on Thursday night - aka 'Crime Spree Thursday'. Chris went out with a flashlight to look for the burglar. I went out with a metal pipe, just in case I needed to issue a beat down on someone. When we couldn't find anyone, I decided to go pick up the Old Man so we could go on a creeper hunt. (Chris had to stay home with the sleeping kids. He could defend himself better than I could if they came back.)

Long story short, the Old Man walked to our house with his wooden ball bat while Jimmy & I drove around looking for suspicious activity. We never caught anyone, but two things are now glaringly apparent: my father is more of a bad ass than Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis guy combined and I'll genuinely feel bad when he finally gets his hands on the elusive GC Creeper, and my brother would never have me drive his getaway car - it seems I'm too cautious. It's sad that I even drive too slow when I'm supposed to be driving slow...

*****

We went to an 80s themed get together last night. Dude, it was totally radical!


As I got myself ready, Marlee took delight in seeing that I was cutting up clothing. She looooves to cut up clothing, much to my dismay because she has absolutely no business cutting up her clothing. Mia, sweet big girl, loved my use of pastel eyeshadow. "Oh Mommy, your eyes look so pretty with that pink and blue!"  She also loved the fact that I cut up clothes for the night, but only because I used a pair of her tights to make my leg warmers. "I hated wearing those tights. You can cut up the pants I have on right now next time you need to cut stuff because they're really uncomfortable..."

A night of 80s Scene It and this song on Rock Band? Righteous!

And the little ones had a pretty good time too...



*****

And that's it for today because I feel obligated to spend the rest of the day cleaning house and playing with my kiddos.

Mia has a field trip on Tuesday, which means I'll be driving to the big city all by myself so we don't have to ride the bus home. I hate city driving with a passion...Post to follow!