Saturday, September 17, 2011

Big Ole Bag of Tricks

This is my purse:


I bought it a few weeks ago in the store next door to the office where I work. I charged it, and they agreed to split the final amount between two payments. Not because it was expensive - because I feel less guilty about my $35 purchase when I can con myself into believing it was only $17.50...twice. My logic doesn't work for everyone.

I envy those women who have the self discipline to match their purse to shoes/outfit/season/activity. I used to be one of those women. I miss her sometimes. That chick was highly organized and traveled lightly.

For the most part, I carry a black/brown/beige purse because it matches everything - I'm usually running late, so I don't have time to change it up. Also, why do it beforehand when you could be I don't know...sitting on the couch hoping that nobody needs anything. Back to the purse - it also has to be a big purse. Like Mary Poppins big, because I just may need to pull a coat rack out of the damn thing & if you don't have room for a coat rack well then what's the point?

This is what the inside of my purse looks like:




It comes equipped with 3 outer pockets, 2 inner pockets, and one big zipping divider in the middle portion so that you have no excuse for carrying an unorganized purse. Unless I'm the owner, then it just looks like somebody reached into a bathroom cabinet/diaper bag/desk drawer/mailbox and thought "Well hmm, now where do I put all of this stuff...Ah ha! What? No, she won't throw her back out carrying this 50lb load of bullshit. Don't be ridiculous!"


It's pretty common for someone to pick up my bag of tricks and immediately say "Jesus Christ! What do you have in there?!" Let's investigate:


Contents included:

  • Keyring w/ 4 keys & 9 frequent shopper cards, door unlock thing (that's a technical term), & zebra print heart because I celebrate the animal patterns whenever possible. One key is to the hub's old apartment - the one he moved out of when we got married. I might need it someday.
  • My phone. Ok, I'm lying here - phone is only in my bag while I'm walking from car to building or vice versa. It's in there sometimes though. There's a pocket for it. A pocket I always forget about.
  • Pack of gum. Never the blue kind. That's just nasty.
  • 2 diapers. It doesn't matter if they've already pooped. It can ALWAYS happen again. And again.
  • Cigarettes & a lighter. Don't judge me. It's more acceptable to take a smoke break on the clock than it is to take a vodka break.
  • Sunglasses. The lacquer is peeling off of them, but I know if I get anther pair that I'll break them instantly. These bad boys have been with me for 3 years.
  • Empty bank envelope.
  • Wallet = Equally devoid of cash.
  • Kleenexes so that nobody feels the need to eat her boogies - MARLEE THAT'S DISGUSTING
  • Bag of makeup. The smaller bag of tricks in this blog post...
  • A small notebook & 2 pens so that I'll write things down and not forget to get shit done.
  • A note from the school requesting information on Mia's asthma/asthma attacks/medicines. I've been meaning to fax it to her doctor for 2 weeks. Didn't write that one down in the handy notebook.
  • Shut off notice for the water. Also didn't write that one down. I'll pay it, I swear.
  • 3 types of over the counter painkillers. I've got the bones of an old lady. Eat your hearts out.
  • Coconut scented lotion & lemon scented anti-bacterial. 
  • Deodorant. I carry it in my purse so I don't forget to wear it. You're welcome.
  • A bottle of Hawaiian Ginger body spray. I like it. It smells like a Capri Sun juice pouch. 
  • 3 stuffed animals. Those aren't mine, but if I don't take them out of the car, nobody's going to.
  • A package of peanut butter crackers. I put them in for Miles, but I usually eat them myself.
  • Random wrappers, receipts, flyers, etc.
 Once I started putting things back into the purse, I found I'd missed an entire pocket of necessities, but I'm not going to list them. Except for the tampons, I'll tell you those were in there just in case you're a man reading this blog. Men hate tampon talk. 

I almost bought myself another new purse yesterday, but I put it back because I thought I'd give my husband a chance to buy me a gift this year instead of pulling my typical "Look what I bought today! We'll say it's my birthday gift!" act.

Oh yeah, my birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 28 - not 30, as my darling daughter announced to Walmart today. She's an angel. Post to follow.