My Husband Won't Sleep With Me Anymore

Off and on for the last two weeks Chris and I have slept in separate beds. We're on completely opposite sleep schedules, but waking up to find him asleep on the bottom bunk in the girls' room always comes as a surprise. 

Is it me? Is this because I wrap myself in the blanket burrito-style and leave him to freeze (true)? Because I snore like a chainsaw in a silent forest (true)? Because I occasionally yell out random curse words and laugh like I'm insane (both true)?

No, friends, no. Chris and I sleep in separate beds because I tend to sleep at a complete diagonal across the bed. My 6'2" husband claims to have a hard time sleeping comfortably when he's only allotted the upper 1/4 of the queen sized mattress. Some men are such divas...

Honestly, I sleep diagonally because Marlee refuses to sleep in her own bed. Sleeping diagonally is my only defense for avoiding her razor sharp knees/elbows/whatever body part she can use to stab between my shoulder blades mid-dream. 

Chris has taken to sleeping in the rarely used bottom bunk to avoid the aforementioned knees/elbows/deadly weapons attached to our 4 year old. I kind of miss him and I'll admit, I'm getting a complex here!

I came home tonight to see this pulled up on the computer:

Who Googles this? Chris Palis, that's who...

I don't want computer advice though - I want REAL advice! Help! Me!

My marriage and my torso thank you in advance for any tips you might provide!

*****

Those kids on the case look familiar...

I was contacted by Case App recently and they invited me to use their site to create a custom iPhone case. 

Custom as in you can put absolutely anything you want on it, and Case App makes it so easy a monkey could do it. Or if you're fresh out of monkeys, just use me for reference because we all know I'm easily frustrated with any kind of technology. The entire process took me less than 10 minutes and zero cuss words!

To share the love, the nice folks at Case App are giving away a custom case to one lucky HHDD reader! So who wants to win a custom case for their iPhone? You do, and we both know it!

Same rules as always:

1. LIKE Case App on Facebook.
2. LIKE High Heels & Dirty Dishes on Facebook.
3. Leave a comment here on the ole blog once you've done both.
4. *Get an extra entry if you follow HHDD on Twitter (@Jen_Palis). Just make sure to leave that in a separate comment on the ole blog.

Winner will be announced next Friday, February 8, 2013 and entry cutoff is 6PM CST. 

Take A Little Trip

This is the first in a series of posts sponsored by Disney Trip Expert, Krystin Turner. Krystin is an authorized Disney Vacation Planner, plans only Disney vacations. 100% Disney, 100% of the time. 

For more information on planning a Disney Vacation, please contact Krystin HERE. Visit her blog for more information on Disney travel promotions and tips for travelers HERE, and don't forget to LIKE her Facebook page! Every Friday in the month of February she'll be giving away a Disney gift card on the Facebook page, and more gift cards each time the Facebook fan page grows by 200!

All opinions expressed in this post are mine, have been written by me, and do not directly reflect the views of my sponsor. 

I'm getting ready to blow your collective mind with a shocking revelation, guys: I never got to visit Disney anything as a child.

Every vacation of my childhood? BRANSON, MISSOURI

For those of you who don't hail from the Midwest and have no idea what Branson is, let me put it to you this way - they took an RV there on Roseanne once and described it as "The white trash Vegas". Personally, I like to think of it leaning more toward redneck than white trash, but again if you're not a Midwesterner, you might not realize the difference in those two terms. There definitely IS a difference, friends, definitely!

The reoccurring theme throughout the city? Hillbillies! No, seriously and guess whose big ole inbred family hails from Branson? Mine! Yee-haw! Even better? Hey there, raise your hand if your ancestors killed the Baldknobbers... The Miles boys were either murderers or heroes depending on where the story is told. I come from a long line of hardasses, you guys!

Anyway, the Old Man spent the summers in Branson throughout his childhood, and for a weekend each summer we did the same. Traveling in which ever 'slick' or 'classic' land yacht my dad decided was cool at the time (read: bronze Monte Carlo, navy blue Buick Regal, seafoam green Chevy Caprice) and made the trip down to the Ozarks. A pilgrimage to the ancestral stomping ground if you will. 

When you're a child and you're on vacation in Branson, here are the things that you want to do as soon as you get to town:

1. Go to Silver Dollar City
2. Go to White Water
3. Go ride go-karts
4. Go play miniature golf
5. Go see the magic show

When you're a child and you're on vacation in Branson with the Old Man, here's what you get to do as soon as you get to town:

1. Go swim in the hotel pool while Dad takes a nap. It's a long drive, damn it! 
2. Listen to Dad say repeatedly that "A vacation's supposed to be relaxing! We're not going to run around like a bunch of idiots the entire time we're here!"
3. Check the sheets to make sure they're clean.
4. Ditto to the bathroom.
5. "Eat something your mom brought if you're hungry because we're only eating out at suppertime. And no, we're not having McDonalds - if I'm gonna pay for supper, it's gonna be a steak."

Then when we finally got to leave the hotel, we were treated to a scenic tour of the city. Correction: we were treated to a scenic tour of the town as it was during Dad's childhood. The only problem with that? SHIT CHANGES OVER THE COURSE OF 30-40 YEARS, DAD! Hell hath no fury like a man who's lost in a city he once knew by heart. Fact!

Once the initial disappointment of traveling with Dad wore off (he was always bad cop to Mom's good cop) and we came to understand that he who makes the money chooses the activities, we enjoyed ourselves on our annual vacation.

Eventually we did almost everything we wanted to do and gained Dad wisdom in the process:

1. Silver Dollar City - Supposedly a guy was decapitated once while riding Fire In the Hole according to our father. Jimmy & I were terrified of the ride 3 days before we arrived in Branson. When we were forced to actually ride it, I cried and squeezed my eyes shut while Dad laughed hysterically like a crazed lunatic. I have no idea if the decapitation story is true or not, but I will remember that story for the rest of my life. Lesson learned? If Dad starts doing the giggle, you're probably going to end up in tears.
2.  Go Karts - Dad liked to ride those every day, at multiple tracks. He taught us if you're "not a pussy", you go to the slick tracks because the karts are faster and you can slide around the curves. Also, if you're "not a pussy", you do everything in your power to wreck your kart into your family members despite the giant sign telling you not to wreck on purpose. Lesson learned? Dad enjoyed taking out his bottled up trucker's road rage more than any grown man should have.
3. Miniature Golf - Dad cheats at every game he ever plays. "Hey kids! Look at that weird bird over there on top of the windmill!" Heads would turn, Dad would sink a hole in one. Every. Single. Time. Lesson learned? Never play anything unless Dad is on your team or you will lose.
4. The Kirby Van Birch magic show - To my 10 year old self, Kirby was hot in an Uncle Jesse from Full House way. Just freaking dreamy! Once I got my picture taken with him which was both thrilling and mortifying. Lesson learned? Never admit in front of Dad that anyone is even remotely cute or he'll tease you relentlessly clear into your late 20s.

Notice that I left White Water off of the list? We never made it to the water park. Dad can't swim and neither can I - that lesson wasn't learned though, it was inherited...

I think my kids are due for a Branson vacation in the next few years and if they're lucky, we won't let PaPa drive this time.

When you look back on the vacations of your childhood, what was your favorite trip?

Sunday Snippet: Honesty

I feel like I have bad breath today. The hubs'll be home shortly, and I wanted an honest opinion before I leaned in to smooch him after work...

ME: Hey Mar, does my breath smell bad?

MAR: Nope. Jus smewz yike wotten eggs a yittle.

ME: Really?! That's gross!

MAR: (giggling) No! Weewy Mommy, it smewz yike hot peppaz and eye yashes!

Well, that settles it then.

Friday Leftovers

Someone should go grocery shopping. PC, you've been warned.

It's been a while since I've done a Friday Leftovers post, so for any newcomers among us, here's what's up: I don't cook on Friday nights as a reward to myself for surviving the work week. There are usually plenty of leftovers in the fridge and usually someone who wants to eat them. 

Sometimes we feel like having another helping of a dish, other times our palates crave a different flavor. Either way, we taste and we digest, whether we like it or not - kind of like life in general.

Pull a chair up to the table and feast on the leftovers of my week...

MONDAY:
While some of you spent Monday sleeping in and honoring Dr. King, I was at work for a staff training day. Boooo! Hisssss! Yeah, it was obviously exciting... I swiped Jimmy's notebook, and it looks to me like he also enjoyed the training session!

TUESDAY:
Sick day. You know how when you're sick, all you want to do is sleep and not concentrate on how shitty you feel? That was my Tuesday, but add in a dose of crazy with spurts of half-sleep and half-hallucinations. I shit you not, at one point I swore there was a man in the kitchen talking, but it was muffled and I couldn't tell what he was saying. Also, my house is legitimately haunted, so maybe there WAS a man talking in my kitchen? NOW I DON'T SOUND CRAZY, RIGHT?!

And for what it's worth, Tuesdays are ridiculous as far as sick day TV shows are concerned. Except Vanderpump Rules. It's quickly stolen my heart in the 'Why the hell am I absolutely engrossed this trainwreck?!' category. You haven't seen it yet? Well, friend, just check this shit out because it pretty much captures the essence of the series.

WEDNESDAY:
I changed my desktop background from this

Darryl Dixon riding a squirrel. Image via Google Images.

to this.

Cat riding a fire-breathing unicorn. Image via Buzzfeed

I'm 100% professional so it was really kind of a no-brainer.

THURSDAY:
We had the pizza pictured in the first photo of this post. Let's talk about how that pizza got ordered for a minute though -

11AM: Chris messages me asking if I want him to set out something for supper.
11:01AM: I message back requesting him to thaw out some chicken legs.
3PM: Chris messages me again saying that we're out of chicken.
3:05PM: I message back asking if he has any requests or suggestions for supper.
3:30PM: Chris calls. I'm too busy laughing at this to have a serious conversation with him.
3:45PM: Call Chris back and tell him to order Pizza Hut online and I'll pick it up when I get off work at 4.
4:01PM: Call Chris to see what time the pizza can be picked up. He hasn't ordered it yet. Tell him to "get the fucking pizza ordered so I can come home God damn it!" (Yes, direct quote...)
4:20PM: Pick up pizzas and come home to cheesy, meaty, saucy heaven.

Story over.

P.S. Why are men basically incapable of ordering food for an entire family if there's not a woman coaching them through it? Totally mystifying!

FRIDAY:
This.

I read the Craigslist Missed Connections obsessively because I live for a good love story ala The Notebook.  Nine times out of ten, the posts are all by scandalous married men looking to blow the guy who showered next to them at the gym. That lone sweet post though? Totally worth sifting through all of the sleazy stuff.

Palis - OUT!

Rye Whiskey, Rye Whiskey

I told you all on Monday that I had a cold, right? Well, guess what? It's still here! 

Yesterday, I stayed home from work and basically spent the entire day in bed feeling crappy. Stuffy ears, sore throat, coughing, sneezing, mucus galore. Seriously gross stuff - just in case you needed a summarized description in addition to the mucus part! I went back to work today despite my sore throat and by lunchtime I was feeling crappy again.

After downing a few DayQuil liquid gels, I posted on the ole blog's Facebook page requesting home remedies for a sore throat. Let's be honest here, medicine is expensive and I'd rather spend my money on useful things. Like Kit Kats...

And did I get some recommendations? A'yup! 

Most of them involved at least 1 of the following ingredients:

1. Hot tea
2. Lemon
3. Honey
4. Whiskey

When I got home tonight, I decided it was time to make myself a Hot Toddy. I had the tea, and I've been drinking the stuff for the last 48 hours. It helps, but only for a little while. Whiskey is bound to lengthen the effect, right?

P.S. You guys, I suck at following recipes. I don't measure & I never have all of the right ingredients so I improvise, and yes, there's a 50/50 chance that my concoction will be a disaster. Like tonight...

Hey there, GC bank coffee mug THAT I GOT FOR FREE!

Mug filled with tap water: The water here in GC comes out of the tap all murkey and poisonous, but hey, we drink it anyway because it tastes like home. Also, I microwaved this for 90 seconds once I put the tea bag in. Surely that killed 5% of the bacteria, don't you think?

Tea: Celestial Seasonings Honey Vanilla Chamomile. This stuff is pretty good plus it already has honey in it, so there - saved me a step. Tonight the tea was going to its first adult beverage party for the sake of my throat. Such a giver!

Lemon Juice: Great Value. We almost never have lemon juice in the house because my kids think they need to make lemonade with it. As luck would have it, I bought this bad boy last week when I tried my hand at making cabbage rolls. The cabbage rolls were kind of bland. I added a cap full to the tea and you should do the same.

Whiskey: Ole Smoky Moonshine Cherries.  'Round these here parts, we like to watch 'Moonshiners', and if you're not watching it, please for the love of hillbillies - click on this link and meet Jim Tom. He's sensational! When it came time to add the whiskey, I didn't have any so I improvised with the booze-filled juice from these. Ok, fine, maybe I added a booze-filled cherry too just to jazz it up a little.

I combined it all together in my mug and gave 'er a good stir with a plastic fork and prepared myself for greatness - and that's when Granny saw that we did, in fact, have a fifth of whiskey in the freezer!

Friends, it belongs to my husband and no, I'm not the reason he drinks. You can blame Marlee for that.

But! I topped the tea off with a little whiskey and lo and behold, I thought I would keel over from the smell alone!

Hmm? The taste? Oh good lawd... I'm not 19 anymore, that's for sure! 

Would you check out that stink eye...

Next time, let's not try to kill me off with boozey tea. Mkay y'all?!

Not Funny, JC

This came in the mail today, and yes, that is my AARP membership card.

What. The. Hell.

Friends, I'm only 29! If this is God's way of telling me that I need to be more gentle and responsible, He should know that's just going to push me further in the opposite direction. 

And now, if you'll excuse me - I'm fighting a gross cold, and I hear a cup of hot tea calling my name.

(Yes, 29 not 79. Yes, tea. No, there's not whiskey in the tea. Yes, I promise. Yes, I promise for real.)

Oh, Granny

Granny had a headache today while babysitting the kiddos. Around 3PM she told me she was planning to raid my medicine cabinet to make the pain go away, and at 4:30 I found her waiting for me when I pulled into the drive.

ME: Hi, Granny! Your head still hurting?

GRANNY: I don't know how many acetaminophen you usually take, but I took two and they're kicking my butt.

ME: What?

GRANNY: I'm so tired! I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open!

ME: ...Mom, what color were the pills you took?

GRANNY: Blue...

ME: Jesus... You took Tylenol PM.

GRANNY: No wonder I'm so tired!

ME: Start wearing your damn glasses, woman! That's how people accidentally die!

Our Granny: wears her glasses when reading a text message - doesn't bother to put them on to read pill bottles!

*****

Congratulations to the winners of the Emily's BowTique Giveaway:  commenters # 1(Redd), 3(Dana Hankins), 5(Whit), and 6(Louboutin Shoes)!

All giveaways on HHDD are chosen at random via Random.org. Please email me at jennifer.palis@gmail.com to claim your prize!

And don't forget, local shoppers, Emily's BowTique will be at the Fashion Fair tomorrow at the Garden City American Legion! The event starts at 10AM!

Dog Shaming

How's your week going? Kicking major booty? Same here! IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIVING THE SAME LIFE!

Since we're practically the same person, I know you're also going through a love/hate phase with your puppy right now. Sure your puppy - let's call her Thelma - is adorable, but there are times when you find yourself thinking that maybe getting a dog wasn't the most awesome idea in the world, right? Guys, I feel the same way about Helga the Wonder Dachshund! 

Fellow puppy love-haters, let's list the damn it inducing crimes that our dogs have committed since coming to live with us, shall we? I'll start with my dog, you fill me in on yours later. (Really though, our dogs are exactly alike though so it's kind of like I'm answering for both of us, right?!)

• She barks at everyone who enters through the front door. If we're being specific, she barks like a drug dog with her nose to the tires of a coke filled Econovan. 
• She willingly goes outside to do her business, but refuses to actually move from the patio until you move too. She then runs away at full speed when you say it's time to go inside. You're not fast enough to catch her and she mocks you with those sad brown eyes.
• She shreds paper all over the house. Double points if she's unrolled an entire roll of TP and shredded it on a soaking wet bathroom floor.
• She crawls to the absolute very back of the kids' bunk bed and poops multiple times each week. She poops in a spot that your adult-sized body cannot reach so that you have to remove the mattress and climb over the metal slats like Mission Impossible. 
• She sleeps in your bed - preferably between your feet - but will only lie down once she's attacked you for at least 5 full minutes. An attack from your puppy is half licking and half chewing, and sometimes proceeded by intense digging and burrowing into your quilts.
• She has a habit of stealing food right out of your toddler's hands and your toddler has a habit of feeding Puppy everything he thinks is too yucky.
• She has peed in your bed a few times. A few times, you've threatened to donate her to a Chinese restaurant after she's peed in your bed.
• She claims every item left unattended as her own. The puppy now owns several pairs of knee-high stockings, clean diapers, approximately 72 Barbie dolls, a few dish towels, and 6 months worth of magazines.
• She jumps into the bathtub every single time the bathroom door is open - whether there's water in it or not. Apparently the tub is her happy place, but once she's inside, she's stuck and proceeds to howl at full volume until she's rescued.

Alas, the good outweighs the bad and you love little Thelma just as much as I love Helga. They're worth all of the trouble, and you'd be lying if you said you didn't love having warm feet at night.

Helga: ridiculously awesome, even when she's asleep.

******

Have I said before that I love buying things? I loooove buying things! I especially love buying things for my girls and as luck would have it, I have lots of friends who make adorable things that I can buy. FOR MY GIRLS! (I don't get into as much trouble when I buy things for the kids. Buying things for myself? That's another story...)

This week, I'm giving away 4 hand made hair bows from Emily's BowTique! 

#1

#2

#3

#4

The rules:

1. LIKE Emily's BowTique on Facebook.
2. LIKE High Heels & Dirty Dishes on Facebook or FOLLOW HHDD on Twitter.
3. Leave a comment here on the ole blog once you've done both and tell me which of the bows you would like to win out of the four.
4. For an extra entry:  leave a separate comment with your tips on getting Helga to quit pooping under the bunk beds!

Winner will be announced on Saturday, January 19 and entry cutoff is 6PM CST.

Miss Golden Globe X 2

Who's got 6 thumbs and loves awards show season? Mia, Marlee, and Mommy!

Like any girls who love a little zhush, we're not as worried about who wins the awards as much as what everyone's wearing. 

I'm watching this year in my awesome black sweatpants (Hanes, for inquiring minds) but the girls went all out.

Marlee: Homecoming, Senior year. Mia: Prom, Junior year.

I knew those old prom dresses would come in handy one day!

 I told them originally that they were supposed to look like Elizabeth Taylor and Brigitte Bardot, but Mar got sassy and said "Brih-zeeet is a dumb name! Yet's change it!" She then became a long-haired Marilyn Monroe. Whatevz...

The kitchen has the best light. Ignore the dirty dishes !
Seriously though, how gorgeous is this girl?!

Typical diva... Sits down and blows kisses...

Oh, and they're on the pink carpet tonight - AKA Mia's sleeping bag - because I finally donated our old red curtains to Casco's recycling program a few months ago. 

We had big plans to put Miles in a button-up and a tie, but there was no going back once the girls were ready...

Miles is wearing chocolate pudding and Crayola washable marker in blue. He accessorized with Great-Grandma Pedigo's locket. Oy!

*****

The winner of the last Sleek Glitz giveaway for the entire Fleur-de-lis set is...Danelle with comment number 6! Congratulations!

All giveaways on HHDD are chosen at random via Random.org. Please email me at jennifer.palis@gmail.com to claim your prize!

*****
And now, if you'll excuse me I have supper to plate up. I'm no Wolfgang Puck, but I make some mean crock pot Italian chicken.

Have a great week, gorgeous!

Gettin' The Back'a That Neck

I come from a long line of women who cut their own hair. Grandma Joy was a hairdresser, my mom was a hairdresser before having kids, and now me. I'm not a hairdresser, but I play one when I'm too impatient to wait for appointments. 

At this point the girls are angels when it's time for a new 'do. They stand like little statues: Mia on the floor while I perch on the toilet, and Marlee on the toilet while I stand on the floor. My lovely ladies totally get my instructions to "Hold still", "Lift your chin", and "Look down". Then, when it's all over, they primp and grin in front of the mirror like the little beauties they are.

Guess who isn't obedient when it's time for a haircut?

This is him 'holding still'... Nailed it, as you can tell by the blurs!

Now if you've never cut a toddler's hair, I'd like to give you some advice before you start. 

You'll need the following supplies:

• Scissors
• Fine-tooth comb
• Cup of water or close proximity to the sink
• 1 toddler stripped to their diaper (trust me, you will NOT succeed in keeping hair clippings out of their shirt)
• Straight jacket / tranquilizers
• Tequila

I'm going to clarify real quick - the straight jacket and/or tranqs are totally optional but could be really useful. I've never used them, but I always find myself pining for them halfway through the haircut. Your choice. Some people aren't as comfortable with 'child abuse' as others.

Oh, and don't drink the tequila until after the haircut. Nobody wants to haul their kid into Snip 'N Clip and say "Well I was on a good tequila-drunk and I got a little carried away with the scissors..." It should be your victory drink, post-trim.

 We refer to this wild style as "Friedrich hair"

When it's time to get down to business, I have Miles stand on the toilet. He's tall for his age and I'm a little short so this makes his dome about eye-level with me.  Anyway, I wet his hair and comb it into the style I'd like to cut. He always gets a close-cropped side part. Chris begged me to give him a mullet or a mohawk, but the boy has big fat curls. I have no idea how to do a mohawk with curls and I didn't want to butcher the front for the sake of a Missouri Mudflap.

Then we start with a little snip-snip on the top, sides, back of the neck, and finish up with the bulk of hair in the back. It sounds way simpler than it actually is because you have to stop every time the turkey decides to turn around and smile at you/reaches for the puppy/gets the scissors while you have the comb/anything else you can think of or haven't thought of.

The finished product though? Handsome! 

"I cute! Mommy cut hair! I gooooood boy!"

Not quite the exquisite buzz cut I saw on
a lady at Arby's but still flattering.

Then he proceeded to help the puppy shred 6 wet wipes while I cleaned up from his haircut. What a sweetheart...

*****

Hey, big ole thank you to everyone who has entered to win the Sleek Glitz jewelry. If you haven't won yet, you have one last shot and this time you win an entire set!

This pearl set (necklace, earrings, bracelet) features strands of warm pearls and silver links with a Fleur-de-lis accent. Win it, wear it, and think of yourself as a woman as lovely as pre-guillotine Marie Antoinette.

"Let them eat cake...bitches..." - M.A. (that's a direct quote, guys)

Same rules as always:

1. LIKE Sleek Glitz on Facebook.
2. LIKE High Heels & Dirty Dishes on Facebook.
3. Leave a comment here on the ole blog once you've done both.
4. *Get an extra entry if you follow HHDD on Twitter (@Jen_Palis). Just make sure to leave that in a separate comment on the ole blog.

Winner will be announced on Sunday, January 13 - along with one last SG giveaway - and entry cutoff is 6PM CST. That gives you a little over 24 hours to enter and you can enter multiple times as long as you've already done steps 1-4.

Thanks, Liars

When I was pregnant with my third child, my intuition told me that I was carrying a boy. At 21 weeks along, my suspicions were confirmed: It's was a boy! My baby boy, Miles was born later that year on August 31. Yea!

Not yea, guys! Not! Yea!

All of you been there/done that moms who told me from week 22 until delivery, "Oh boys are SO much easier than girls!" - we're fighting now. That's your warning - you and me, we're fighting.

Boys are SO bad!  Had you valued this friendship you would've been honest and said, "Oh you're having a boy? Aw, sorry in advance for all of the trouble he's going to cause. Buy a bullhorn."

And before you can blame it on the Terrible Twos, no. Hold that thought because I have two daughters, and they were (in Mar's case, ARE) terrible at 4. Two was a breeze with the girls. I think with boys it should be something to describe an entire childhood. Something like... Terrible From 1 to 21. And destructive. And stubborn as hell.

Let's talk about all of the things he's done to turn my hair gray this week...

• Miles tried to shave the puppy with electric clippers. I walked in to find him sitting on her, clippers buzzing away right above her shoulders. 
• Miles mashed grapes into the carpet one day. Apples one day. Crackers one day. Cookies one day. You catch me? Kid likes to mash.
• Miles doesn't hit when he's mad. He prefers to throw things at you and the little shit has a good aim. This week, he beaned Mia upside the head with a plastic Caillou doll and if memory serves, Boo got a Furby across the cheek.
• Miles pours constantly and he's horrible at it. He really likes pour directly onto the floor. I really hate that - though not as much as I hate when he pours something directly into MY bed.
• Miles colors on freaking everything. Using everything. Lipstick on the kitchen floor. Sharpie on the table. Tomato soup on the stack of mail. If it'll smear or make a mark, hide yo kids, hide yo wife!

As soon as I turn my back - BAM! - he's into something else and when I ask (like a dummy) "Who did this?!", and he says "Puppy!" See that? He even attempts to place the blame on an innocent bystander who can't even defend herself! 

Yes, because a wiener dog is fully capable of shoving a Matchbox car down the sink drain.

He made a Capri Sun geyser. Then proceeded to Hoover it off of the floor.

Needless to say, each time I catch him red-handed I threaten to cut his hair and he absolutely freaks out.  That haircut is definitely happening this weekend. I'm hoping for pictures, but I can't make any promises on actually getting any. It's really hard to hold a comb, scissors, and a squirming 2 year old all while taking photos.

*****

And...the winner of the Sleek Glitz earring giveaway is... Sk8mom75! (I can't figure out how to screen shot on this laptop. Well, I can screen shot, but I can't figure out how to get to the paint program. I hate technology...)

Anywho...Congratulations to you comment #1! Please email me at jennifer.palis@gmail.com to claim your prize!

Tomorrow will be my last Sleek Glitz giveaway for the week and it's an entire set! Happy Friday to ya!

(And, I tried to adjust the settings to leave comments. I heard a lot of you were having trouble getting your post to show up. Let me know if it's still being a pain and I'll cuss at it!)

Sauced

I made a quick stop at the heaven of heavens tonight (Price Chopper) for some spaghetti sauce and toasted ravioli.

Toasted ravioli? Yes, I prefer my Italian food breaded whenever possible. I'm a purist, forgive me.

So! Spaghetti aisle and we're looking at jars of sauce - Jimmy, myself, and a random friendly chick - and I see that Prego is on sale two jars for $4.00. 

A couple details I think you should be aware of: 

1.  I don't make my own marinara. I'm sure I could and it'd be delicious, but I'm lazy. 
2.  I've never bought Prego before, but they've come out with a bacon & provolone flavor. I KNOW, RIGHT?!
3. I like to buy things in doubles. Everyone has a compulsion, mine is buying 2 of each food.

Back to the story though, friends! Try to stay with me here!

The friendly stranger in the spaghetti aisle struck up a conversation with me about the vodka sauce I was also buying.

"What's that taste like? The vodka sauce?"

"Um... kind of a cream-based marinara with a little spice to it."

"How spicy?"

"Not super spicy. My kids eat it."

(Jimmy) "What kind of spice? Like SPICE spice?" (Lady laughs at Jimmy and I roll my eyes)

"Well then I'm gonna get some. It's my boyfriend's birthday and spaghetti is his favorite so I'm making it for him tonight! I'm kinda nervous though because I've never made spaghetti before..."

"Aww! Well um, good luck!"

Guys, who the hell hasn't ever made spaghetti?! 

*****

First off, the winner of Monday's Sleek Glitz giveaway is... Jenni Douglass! Please email me at jennifer.palis@gmail.com to claim your prize!

All giveaways on HHDD are chosen at random via Random.org. I posted the screen shot to validate it, but for some reason it doesn't want to resize the way I want it to. Totally typical!

Tonight's Sleek Glitz giveaway: 

I luuuurv these! You know the worst part about hosting giveaways? I don't get a chance to win. I have to pay for my jewelry. Life just ain't fair sometimes!

Same rules as the last go-round:

1. LIKE Sleek Glitz on Facebook.
2. LIKE High Heels & Dirty Dishes on Facebook.
3. Leave a comment here on the ole blog once you've done both.
4. *Get an extra entry if you follow HHDD on Twitter (@Jen_Palis). Just make sure to leave that in a separate comment on the ole blog.

Winner will be announced on Friday, January 11 and entry cutoff is 6PM CST.

Until then, go do a little shopping in Sleek Glitz's Etsy shop!

Game On (Plus a Giveaway)

Quick! What's the best day of the week?

Ehr! Wrong answer! 

I'm sorry, but whatever your answer was is automatically wrong because this is a trick question. The best day of the week cannot be determined as it's an automatic tie between Saturday and Sunday. That was sneaky, wasn't it? I'm such an asshole sometimes...

Oh weekends, I do love thee! Sleeping in, wearing sweatpants, not brushing your teeth until right before your husband walks through the door. Everything about the weekend says "Hey, chill the fuck out. We're not getting paid to do these things."

So, that's how I go about my weekend - chilling. Or if we're really going to be honest, that's how I go about Saturday and the first half of Sunday. On Sundays, I'm a full time maid from the time Miles lays down for his nap until supper is served.

This may shock you, but I don't clean very much during the work week. Sure, I tidy up the living room, bathroom, and kitchen but there is no deep cleaning being done until Sundays.

Another shocking revelation: I rarely enforce my children picking up after themselves. If I ask them to pick something up, they'll usually do it, but it gets done a whole heck of a lot faster if I do it myself. Plus, there are less tears involved. Stickler for consistency? No. Enabler? Yes.

Yesterday there was quite a bit of cleaning to be done and being that I'm um... me... I decided to mess with my girls a little. They're smart cookies, but occasionally, they surprise me and fall for my tricks.

ME: I have an idea! Let's play a game! You guys go clean your room and then I'll be super excited that your room is clean!

MIA: Ok!

MAR: No, dat sounds borwing.

MIA: Fine Marlee, but when the room's clean, I'll get to play a fun game and you won't...

At that point, I turned my back and returned to scrubbing the 57 coffee mugs in the sink. (We've been making hot chocolate on a daily basis since Christmas.) Marlee went to watch cartoons. Mia, sweet girl, went to clean her room. Friends, let me tell you, I was just thankful that they'd left the room without a fistfight ensuing. I was oblivious at that point to the fact that Mia misunderstood me and believed that I had an actual new game to play after their room was clean. 

A while later, Sis emerges from her room triumphantly. "It's clean! Except my bed isn't made... do I have to do that too?" Yes, she had to make her bed.

"Bed's made just like you asked!"

Still washing dishes, "You. Are. Awesome. Good job, Sissy!"

And then, she looked at me with eyes filled with the innocent excitement only a child's eyes can possess. That's when I realized that she didn't understand I was being sarcastic earlier. 

You guys, my heart sank right down into the hardwood floor. Ugh! I hate that feeling - the one where your kiddos are excited over something you've told them, and then you're the one who lets them down!

Needless to say, Mia has been consumed with downloading games onto my phone and new books to the Nook since then.  Even the ones you have to pay for. 

This guilty conscience of mine is bound to cost us a fortune. Enablers gonna enable.

On the bright side, that's one less room I had to clean on Sunday. Sometimes things have a way of balancing themselves out...

*****
Remember Sleek Glitz? Well happy Monday to ya, we're doing a gosh danged ole giveaway!

Actually, a few giveaways - 3 this week, but who's keeping track!

Sleek Glitz is giving away this super cute necklace to one lucky reader! The Winged Trio necklace features a long, layered look with rhinestones, a Murano-style heart, and a jeweled feather.

Rules to win are simple:

1. LIKE Sleek Glitz on Facebook.
2. LIKE High Heels & Dirty Dishes on Facebook.
3. Leave a comment here on the ole blog once you've done both.
4. *Get an extra entry if you follow HHDD on Twitter (@Jen_Palis). Just make sure to leave that in a separate comment on the ole blog.

Have a great Monday, friends... and may the odds be ever in your favor. Sorry, I finally read The Hunger Games. Happy Monday!

*Winner for this giveaway will be announced Wednesday, January 9, 2013.*

Sunday Snippet: How Creative

MIA: "Moooooooommmm! Somebody drew a dancing banana on the ceiling!"

ME: "Did what on the ceiling?!"

MIA: "Someone drew a dancing banana on the ceiling!"

MARLEE: "Oh yeah...dat was me..."

Damn you, bunk beds.

I Saw Little Old Me

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: I'm in my twenties, but I have the bones of an old lady. Arthritis - whatcha gonna do?!

To put it simply, I love elderly ladies. Whether they're sweet or grouchy, reserved or outspoken, they make me giddy from my head down to my toes! I wonder though, what'll life be like when I'm the little old lady? Will I be spry and active like Mrs. D? Will I be sassy and feisty like my own amazing grandma (who, by the way, has learned to text and lovingly called me a 'super queen bitch'  in a message last night)? WILL I BE ONE OF THOSE LADIES WHO GOES BALD?!!!!

Really, I'm not sure about any of it except I definitely plan to wear lots of leopard print, gaudy costume jewelry, and bright lipstick until the day they put me in the ground. Or, more realistically, the day they cremate me. I hear that's cheaper.

Imagine my delight when Jimmy and I spotted this absolutely fabulous specimen at Price Chopper the other day!

The sight of her in that ankle-length leopard-print coat stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Sweet Jesus... Am I looking at myself, age 80?!"

"Pretty sure you are! Quick! Take a picture!"

And take a picture, I did! It took everything I had in me to refrain from loading her groceries into her car myself and then giving her a big hug before bowing at her feet!

Then, like any creeper worth their spying eyes, I posted the photo to my Instagram.

Guess what? That fabulous little old lady is the mother-in-law of one of my besties, Shauna!

Now I'm just counting the days until I meet her face to face. It's going to happen and it's going to be epic.

Fingers crossed that we're BOTH wearing our leopard print that day!

*PS - Happy Friday!

The Best Day (Happy New Year)

I've decided that I'm not going to make any resolutions this year. I just want to have the best days of my life - every day of my life, and deal with everything as it comes my way. Pretty foolproof, right? Just live and be thankful for another day no matter what happens or doesn't happen.

With blogging, you kind of feel this responsibility to tell your readers how the big things went. How birthdays went. How vacations went. How holidays went. How all of the firsts went. How the best days went.

I'm not always good about sharing the big things though. Do I intend to? You betcha! Then, inevitably, something happens and I get sidetracked. Before you know can say procrastination, that big thing happened three days ago. Three days ago doesn't always seem as relevant when it's competing with the biggest event of the last 5 hours though, does it?

Our last day of 2012 was spent at home. Two of our three kids were sick, and because I'm the mom who doesn't mind if they drink from my cup, I wasn't feeling so hot either. 

During supper last night, the realization hit me that I should probably write a little farewell post in honor of 2012 and I had no idea what to write about. There wasn't as single event in the entire year that outshone the others. I didn't have a best day or a worst day that shaped the overall outcome. 

I fell back on my old faithful: asking Mia and Marlee for help.

ME: Hey girls, what was your favorite day of 2012?

MIA: The day we got Helga!

ME: That's one of my favorite days too, Sis! Good choice!

MARLEE: Da day we waked up and Santa came to bring us all da toys!

ME: Oooh that's a good one too!

MIA: What was your favorite day, Mommy?

ME: I don't know. I can only think of days that just happened.

At first, I was frustrated with their answers because they didn't summarize the year like I'd hoped. Their best days were from the last month! How can you build a year off of December alone? Kids and their short-term memories... but then? They're just like I am!

My frustration was that they focus on the present, just as I do. Recent, fresh, a memory that you're still newly thankful for and haven't taken for granted. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. I've taught them from the beginning to make each day good. No one day is bigger or better than the day before or the days to come. 

And the best day? You should have lots of best days. So many that you can't easily pick just one.

2013, you may now proceed to rock my socks off!