In My Daughter's Eyes

Do you remember that Martina McBride song from a few years ago? 

A real tear-jerker, right? Luckily for all of us, I'm not here to get sappy, friends. Why am I here? To lay some the brutal truth of a pre-schooler on you!

Boo has been asking me for a few days to "pweez twim da bangs!" and I knew that if I didn't get out the scissors today, she would take matters into her own hands. 

"Mommy, I want my hair to yook yike yours - wiff da bangs and dis wite here."

"You want bangs across or to the side?"

"Yike yours, Mommy! So we can be twinsies!"

As I'm trimming her bangs with a snip, snip, snip, it hits me that this little girl is asking to look like me because she thinks I'm cool. AND. IT. ABSOLUTELY. MELTS. ME. 

"What do you think, Mar? Do they look alright?"

"Yep! Jus yike yours!"

We continue with our hair cutting and she talks all about how she's going to use my shampoo and how she's going to brush out all of her own tangles, and I'm fucking just giddy over the fact that she's still young enough to think her mom is stylish.

"Who wiw I yook yike when I'm a grow'd up, Mommy?"

"Hmmm... I think you'll probably look like me, but with blonde hair."

"Oh! Ok! But wiw I yook jus yike you?"

"Not just like me, but you'll look a lot like me I think."

"Wiff dose dots on my face yike yours?"

"My freckles?"

"No, dose wed dots yike on your chin and sometimes dey move to diff'went pyaces..."

"Pimples? Those are pimples, Marlee."

"Yeah, I don't want dose!"

Stylish, far from flawless though. Obviously.

Car Trouble, Ma'am?

Imagine this if you will...

You're on your way home after a long day of work (my children are convinced that my job is watching cat videos all day, but maybe you're an accountant or something similarly grown up). You've just completed a run to Walmart for necessities (milk, bread, marshmallow Easter eggs, new box of crayons) before the next snow storm hits. 

As you pull up to the exit ramp you see what appears to be a motorist (at least 4 adults in a green Dodge Caravan) having car troubles (you question if this is actually a Chinese fire drill) in the center lane of the overpass you need to drive across to get home. You slow down as a courtesy (but really, to get a better look at what in the hell is going on) to the distressed driver and can't help but notice (craning your neck like something straight out of The Exorcist, honestly) the scene as it plays out before your eyes:

Man exits van from driver's seat

Woman exits van from passenger's seat

Second man exits van from middle row

First man gets back into the van's passenger seat

Woman and second man walk to the back of the van

Woman opens back hatch and shoves second man into trunk area

Woman slams back hatch on van and kicks bumper emphatically

Woman calls second man a "real asshole"*

Woman gets into the driver's seat and they drive away

You guys, that happened on my way home from work tonight (You know I'm not making it up because, well,  it's me and crazy stuff like this doesn't happen on a regular basis to anyone but me.) and it was hilarious! (Unless it was a kidnapping that I witnessed...)

*Slightly embellished. She was yelling at him and if it had been me, I would've called him an asshole. I didn't want to roll the window down and listen though because that would've just made the whole thing awkward.

Happy Birthday, Granny!

Today is our Granny's birthday!

No, I'm not going to tell you how old she is (because she's a lady and so am I and ladies don't talk about their age on the internet). I will tell you though - Granny is between 49 and 51 years old...

Birthdays are a big deal around here and nobody loves birthdays as much as children. That being said, let's find out a little about Granny's birthday from some of her favorite little people: Mia & Eman (7 years old), Jadyn (6 years old), Jonis, Lilly, and Marlee (all 4 years old)!

HOW OLD IS GRANNY?
MIA: 50?
MARLEE: Turning 15...50!
EMAN: 28
JADYN: 45
JONIS: 9
LILLY:20

A little history...

WHAT WAS IT LIKE THE DAY GRANNY WAS BORN?
MIA: I think it was sunny out and her parents went out for ice cream, and for dinner they ate Chinese food. They did all that after she was born.
MARLEE: Um... it was dark outside and everybody was syeeping.
EMAN: When jobs were first invented.
JADYN: Um. I think it um. It was like she lived in a village.. a little town.
JONIS: She was like... hmm... I think she was old.
LILLY: Before me.

Sounds accurate, so we'll continue...

WHO WAS THERE WHEN GRANNY WAS BORN?
MIA: Um... her parents, her cousins, her sister, and I think that's it.
MARLEE: All of...her... cousins, sisters, and her famyee?
EMAN: Her mom, her dad... what else... her brothers and sisters... Um... Hmm her aunt, her uncle... who else is in our family - Aunt Katie? No, what's Makia to Eli? Um.. you know.. a niece yeah! Her niece, grandma and grandpa and her cousins and her friends.
JADYN: Her mom and dad.
JONIS: Papa
LILLY: Everybody in this family.

Birthdays always begin with an extra special breakfast...

WHAT WILL PAPA MAKE GRANNY FOR BREAKFAST ON HER BIRTHDAY?
MIA: Pancakes with a bunch of syrup on top with a lot of whipped cream! And some soda!
MARLEE: Ice cweem! Strawbewwy and banana and banilla for a banana split!
EMAN: Eggs, and Bacon with a heart on it made out of bacon.
JADYN: Pancakes
JONIS: Uh... Hmm..... Eggos. Snowflake Eggos.
LILLY: Oh I think, uh sugar, um. peanut butter. Sugar peanut butter bread with some smooshed candy or she could have like Laffy Taffy or something... or she can't.

Followed by cake - bonus points if the cake IS breakfast...

WHAT KIND OF CAKE WOULD YOU MAKE GRANNY FOR HER BIRTHDAY?
MIA: Um... a really big chocolate cake with a... candy laptop on top of it because she really likes to go on her... laptop.
MARLEE: A strawbewwy cake! Wiff uh a candy Christmas tree!
EMAN: A cake with the family on it.
JADYN: Uh, I don't know what she likes... so I don't know. (Back) I think it's chocolate.
JONIS: Uh. A Princess...
LILLY: I will make her um... a Hello Kitty one with um lost of sprinkles, and uh, you could make some leopard prints on the bow and some shoes like you could um put leopard print on her shoes. You could put it on the bottom if you want. But I want it to be a special cake just for her.. Are you spelling special cake?! S-P-E-C-I-A-L  C-A-K-E.

With a message of love written in frosting...

WHAT SHOULD GRANNY'S CAKE SAY?
MIA: 'Happy Birthday from Mia!'
MARLEE: 'Candy Shop! I love you!'
EMAN: 'Happy Birthday to Granny from our family!'
JADYN: 'Happy Birthday to you! Now you are 46!'
JONIS: 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!'
LILLY: 'Happy Birthday to Granny!'

After that, you get dressed up in something fabulous...

WHAT DOES GRANNY'S BIRTHDAY SUIT LOOK LIKE?
MIA: It looks like a swimming suit... that you wear on your birthday... and it's purple with diamonds on the middle.
MARLEE: It's black! And pink! With doggies - dachsunds on it! TAKING A BAFF!
EMAN: Everybody on it. Me, Jadyn, Jonis, Lilly, Daddy, you, Mia, Marlee, Miles, Aunt Bubby and Uncle Chris. And Lilah and Noah too.. and her mom and dad!
JADYN: A dress. A white dress.
JONIS: A princess
LILLY: Some Apples, and uh Hello Kitty..just the uh, uh the lines.

Next, you open presents! Presents are the best part of a birthday...

WHAT'S PAPA GETTING GRANNY FOR HER BIRTHDAY?
MIA: He's gonna get her a new necklace that has her name on it.
MARLEE: A sack of diamonds!
EMAN: Flowers.
JADYN: A candle?
JONIS: A dress.
LILLY: Maybe she will , papa will gave her, um. A baby! Because papa already has a baby to sleep with. Like a fake baby or a pony. We could put a name on it or we could just draw whatever it is I want to draw.

But seriously, PaPa never gets Granny what she really wants...

WHAT DOES GRANNY WANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY?
MIA: A new cat! (Mar: a black and white! What's name is Minnie!) Yeah, a black and white!
MARLEE: I tink we shood get hur... A NEW CHRISTMAS TREE! Um...that's aw I got. And some new perfume!
EMAN: A picture of the family.
JADYN: Um, I guess just a family.
JONIS: Uh... hm... a snowflake
LILLY: She wants.. um.. for her birthday she wants... uh... um... a new... um... a new um... a new big horsey! A new big horsey because it's going to have a new pink braids bunny ears, and a pink braid right here (pointing to her butt) and it's going to have a purple brush. She wants it because it's going to have a purple iron, and a purple hair brush. and pink hair for the pony!

It's not a celebration until you're mom dancing...

WHAT'S GRANNY'S FAVORITE SONG TO DANCE TO ON HER BIRTHDAY?
MIA: Uh I don't know. She dances to a lot of songs. That CD that she brought over for us to exercise to that has a lot of songs... (she's referring to Richard Simmons's Sweatin' to the Oldies)
MARLEE: Gangnam Style!
EMAN: Hmm....... The Happy Birthday Song. That's all.
JADYN: Any song?
JONIS: Uh... A chicken one.
LILLY: Happy Valentines to Granny. She likes that. and she like two of ... um that.. songs. She likes Happy Birthday to Granny!

Can she top last year? That's a tough call...

WHAT DID GRANNY DO FOR HER BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR?
MIA: I think she... she ate some cake and...she... threw a party at night, dancing all around her bed!
MARLEE: Maybe hanged out and had some fun with PaPa. He's all.
EMAN: I don't really know. I wasn't there.. wait yeah I was.. how old was I? 6? Yeah I was 6 I think... uh.. come on.. She... uh... opened her presents.. ate her cake and she .. um. what else. She turned 27.
JADYN: She had a surprise party.. that's what I think.. Can we go back to the cake?
JONIS: HOORAY!
LILLY: She did um, she did, first she wrapped up the presents then she ate the cake, and then she sliced a pieces for everybody. Then she ate it, and then we ate it, and THEN she wrapped what's the paper and she gets the presents out and then we said "bye Granny" and she said "bye everybody!" (Are you getting what I said?)

Granny's birthday party will be Saturday night and it's something we all look forward to every year. A night of good food and familly - grown ups only! I'm sure there'll be a ridiculous story or two that you'll all be reading on Sunday after we celebrate!

Until then, feel free to send some wishes to our Granny on her very special day!

Happy Birthday, Granny! We love you so much!

Un-Hipsters

The internet has a way of making me question my own coolness on a regular basis. Not in a competitive manner, or even an envious manner - but definitely in a 'am I too fucking old to get this, or what?' manner.

Chris and I have had many discussions on the following:

Fake glasses. It's just beyond my comprehension and to be honest, it gives me anxiety to imagine wearing them myself. If I even attempted, I figure this convo would definitely happen:

FRIEND: Jen! I had no idea you wore glasses!

ME: Um... These are fake. I just thought they'd make me look brainy...

FRIEND: Oh they DO! You look so smart!

ME: ... as opposed to my typical head-cocked look of confusion...

Selfies. How do people squeeze in 50 self portraits in a Walmart bathroom in under 10 minutes? I don't recall a time that I've ever had any thought in a public bathroom that didn't correlate to the transmission of Hepatitis. Plus, who wants 50 photos of yourself looking up and slightly to the right? Not me.

Harlem Shake. Is this supposed to be funny because it's chaotic or is it staged chaos and that's why it's funny? Or am I completely wrong and it's only funny because everyone uses the same props but in different scenarios? I felt the same confusion with Gangnam Style. Were people addicted to the dance or the song that nobody feels like translating? Or... was it Jackie Chan's husky brother that made the entire thing? Hmmm!

Skinny jeans for men. This is the one at the top of Chris's list. His reasoning:

1. They're gay.
2. How are they any different than tights?
3. They're just really gay.

Personally, the only thing that I notice about a man in skinny jeans is whether his thighs are smaller than mine are. Nine times out of ten, they are.

Hashtags. Maybe I've done it a few times, just to try it out. It's not satisfying though, this hashtag thing. Is there a master list of hashtags that you're supposed to be going off of? Are you supposed to make one up and just go with it? Is it impolite to use someone else's hashtag? AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO READS HASHTAG AS HASHBROWN?

Fingernail art. One question: how do you not screw up when painting with your opposite hand? I'd have a rainbow clear up to my damn elbow. 

Dubstep. This is another on Chris's list. I actually responded with "What the hell is a dubstep?" He told me it's kind of like techno (which his lame ass loves, by the way), so yes, I agree with adding it to the list. I've always either been too old or not high enough to enjoy techno, and now, dubstep.

Texting abbreviations. Look, the only ones I know are OMG and LOL. Aside from that, I have to seriously think about what the abbreviation stands for. If I'm thinking more about what you're not saying than what you're trying to tell me, it's not worth it. (Unless it's WWMMD because what Macho Man would do is always worth it.)

Are we lame? Officially not cool?

Tell me something that totally baffles you and leaves you wondering if you're old!

Someone Get The CDC On The Line!

Guys, please keep your fingers crossed that I don't spend the weekend barfing...

In the last week, all three kids have been sick. Throwing up, running fevers, bathroom issues that are too disgusting to talk about. It's just plain nasty!

I've had quite a few epiphanies during this time of tribulation though:

• Peanut butter & jelly sandwich puke smells exactly like a peanut butter sandwich does while it's still on the plate. If you're going to feed a sick kid, I wholeheartedly recommend PB&J. *Not recommended for children allergic to peanuts. Duh.
• The Dollar General in GC doesn't sell anything for nausea besides Pepto. Why? I have no idea, but Pepto doesn't work for my sick kids once they start throwing up. The only medicine that calms the upset tummies at our house is Emetrol and the Dollar General NEEDS to sell it!
• Telling your child to throw up in the toilet only works once they are above the age of 3. You'd think I'd understand this now that I have two children past that age, but no! Maybe the new house should only have hard plastic surfaces?
• The unknown great person who first suggested giving a sick child a kitchen pot to throw up in when they feel like they can't make it to the bathroom: we're fighting now. After the first clean out, it hit me that the odds were really high that I'd be browning hamburger in the same pot next week. Sure, I'll clean it first, but that's disgusting!
• After three kids, I have developed senses that are practically immune to poop. I don't think I'll ever be able to clean up barf without gagging though.

In short, we've went through a TON of bleach, carpet cleaner, and hand sanitizer this week!

The sanitizer we've been using for the better part of a month is a product called The Germinator by BabyGanics and friends, it is hands down the best sanitizer I've ever owned! 

I was contacted by a representative a few weeks ago about doing a review for them and they encouraged me to write honestly about their product. Write honestly really piqued my interest and so I decided to check it out on Amazon before agreeing to do the review. 

This is the product description as listed on Amazon:

"Launched in 2002, BabyGanics is the brainchild of two young dads, compulsive clean freaks actually, who were shocked at the level of toxicity in “traditional” household cleaning products and were equally unimpressed with so-called “green” cleaners.Their mission: Establish the standard and authority for safe, effective, and natural household cleaning solutions for homes with pregnant women, infants and the growing families.Today, BabyGanics offers a full assortment of products that are people and pet friendly. Hands are car pools for germs, and little hands are not picky about who they attack! Enter The Germinator: suddenly hands are safe to hold, kiss and to high-five another lovely day."

The last two sentences had me doing that attractive snorty laugh that you all have come to love and I forwarded my shipping address.

The bottle itself is no bigger than any other travel item, and in the month that I've had it, there have been zero spills in my giant mess of a purse. My experience with most hand sanitizers - especially those that foam - has been that they leave your hands feeling sticky. Sticky is gross, guys. Sticky makes me go to the restroom and wash my freshly sanitized hands with soap and water.

Also, The Germinator soaks in to your skin like water. It's not thick, it's not runny, it's exactly like water - but with the cleaning agent already in the water! And the smell? Non existent. This stuff is like some magic potion that doesn't have a smell other than cleanliness. No chemicals, no perfumes, just clean and yet it removes smells from your skin too like an odor neutralizer.

We tested it out after a fiasco in the Dairy Queen drive through, after using the dreaded Walmart bathrooms, after smoking (stop judging me, non-smokers), and yes, after cleaning up little kid throw up! 

In short, I love Bath & Body Works, but I will never buy their hand sanitizer again after using The Germinator. My bottle's almost empty and I'll be ordering the two pack (one for work, one for home) shortly.

Cute isn't she? Just like the girls from The Price Is Right. Her Great Papa would be proud!

PS: Want to add a little something extra to your Germinator experience? Call it "Tha Germinataaaah" and say it in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice because that's what I've been doing. You're welcome for that mental picture!

PSS: I'd intended to get the review finished last night. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you already know that Miles threw up on the laptop yesterday. It's broken and hopefully we'll have a new one by Saturday because my thoughtful husband talked me into an accidental damage plan when we bought the puke-puter. That Chris, he's good for something sometimes (like when it comes to electronics and getting dead birds out of the ditch. That's kind of it...)

Heroism

For those of you who don't currently have children, here's something that you need to remember: sometimes (a whole helluvah lot) kids emulate other people (people who are obviously cooler than their parents).

It's super cute watching a little one teeter around in tiny high heels pretending they're Barbie. It's adorable when they fix everything in sight with a plastic hammer like they're Handy Manny.

And if it just so happens that you love superheros? Well then your heart swells when you see a little boy dressed as Batman.

Of course, if you're at our house then you realize the kids don't give a crap about all of the nice dress up stuff that they have and they just make their own costumes. 

Yeah, that's Miles's typical Batman get up and yeah, that's also a plastic boob in his hand.

House Hunters

We went and looked at new houses last week. 

Yes, I went an entire week without telling you. I'm terrible, aren't I? Please accept my most sincere apology and let's vow to be the kind of friends who don't keep secrets from each other. Now that we've made up, I'll tell you about our adventure! 

First off, we left the kids at home with Granny. If you've never taken small children to tour large empty houses please take my advice when I tell you to avoid it like the plague. Kids in large rooms without any furniture turns into a God damn free for all and you spend most of the time chasing kids and apologizing for their unruly behavior. (Or, that's what you do if you're Chris and Jen Palis. If you have well-behaved children then you're probably safe to take them along.)

Ironically, our real estate agent brought her little girl along with her to the homes tour. She was an angel the entire time and also one heck of a guide herself - "Ooooh look at this master! You're gonna love it, I promise!"

I watch a lot of HGTV. A LOT! I thought I'd prepared myself for touring homes and what to look for, which questions to ask, etc. Yet... as soon as we walked in to the first house, I turned in to that dumb girl whose comments range in depth from "Wow this is pretty!" to "This is so pretty!" to "Aww, look how pretty this is!"

My dumb kicked into overdrive, but by the time we reached the basement of House 1, I knew that the place was too small for us despite being pretty.

House 2 started similarly with a cute little girl beginning her tour before her mama got the keys out of the door. "Uh that wallpaper in the kitchen has got to go..." I totally agree. I'm just not big on wallpaper.

This place is so perfect that I'm willing to deal with the paisley wallpaper for a while if it means that I can live there. I swear on my love of peanut butter, I heard angels sing as we walked through each room! 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a finished basement, cathedral ceilings, whirlpool tub, 2 car garage, a closet that's bigger than our bathroom and have mercy - A MOTHER EFFING DISHWASHER!

Then high on the optimism of possibly finding the perfect home, we were eager to tour House 3 and get home to tell the kids that they would be getting their own bedrooms soon. 

House 3 was right next door to House 2 and we knew before we went in that it was a foreclosure. At $30,000 less than the other houses and close to the same size as the others, we thought it was worth a shot.

Oh House 3, I had so much hope for you! I figured it would need fresh paint and some appliances and we'd be good to go - dude, I was soooo wrong. Carpets were stained, holes in the wall, moldy basement. It was just gross! We are definitely not fix-it people as you may recall... A total bust!

"Uh... if we wanted a piece of junk money pit, we'd just stay in our house..." - direct quote from my husband.

Needless to say, House 2 is the one we want. We've lusted over it for 7 days now and have been in some heated arguments over super important things like paint schemes and sofa fabric. If we're still married by the time we sign papers, it'll be a friggin' miracle... 

We haven't put an offer in yet, but if you're the kind of person who sends out good vibes or prayers, would you mind throwing some our way? I promise we'll invite you to our house for Independence Day if you do!

Poor Puppy

Granny called me today to tattle on Marlee...

"Marlee just walked into the kitchen and said 'Dat fuckin dog! She got in da God damn toy-yit papah again!'. Jen, who do you think she's heard say that?"

"Um... I have no idea... Did you tell her she can't say that anymore?"

"Yes, but I had a hard time keeping a straight face. She's definitely your child!"

(hysterical laughing on my end)

"I have to say, I'm kind of proud of her for using those bad words in the right context though!"

"Me too, Mom! Me, too!" 

Then, in what I'm assuming is the most inappropriate but not surprising punishment a 4 year old can dish out, this happened:

That dark line is blue Sharpie. How the hell do you get Sharpie OUT OF THE DOG?!