A Letter To My Boss

Since the beginning of summer, Marlee's been begging to come to work with me. She thinks it sounds fun, I think it sounds like a terrible idea... 

(You've got to be an extremely bored 5 year old to want to go to work with anyone employed anywhere other than toy stores, zoos, amusement parks, or similarly fun places. We don't even have a candy machine anymore - WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?!)

When I got home tonight, she asked if we could call my boss and see if she could come to work tomorrow. I told her no, so naturally her next request was to write him a letter. Sure, kiddo, if it'll keep you happy we'll write the man a letter:

Dear Mommy's Boss,

I want to come to work with Mommy. She is my honey bunny forever. I can NOT stay home without her, so can I come to work with her? Please, oh, please! I'm going to bring a snack in case I'm hungry. I'm going to talk to Uncle Jimmy & Mommy. And Trisha & Shauna - I want to talk to them AND I HOPE THEY BRING ME SOME CANDY! I would help my Mommy work even. We'll look at cat pictures like Grumpy Cat & Lil Bub. I don't know what else Mommy does at work... maybe do papers? And Mommy says I can water your plant. In case I'm sleepy, I can take a blanket and my favorite stuffed animal. Just think about it cuz I love Mommy. 

Thank you a lot, 

Marlee

Verbatim, guys!

Honey. 

Bunny. 

Forever.

There's still no way she's coming to work with me, but if she did, I'm pretty sure the boss would let her water his plant. Brownie points if she didn't water it with a coffee pot like her mama does...

I Need Someone To Be The Boss Of Me

How many email addresses does the average person have?

I have 3 - one I use for actual correspondence, one I use for shopping & paying bills, and my work email that I use to send Buzzfeed links to my coworkers (and occasionally real work stuff when I absolutely have to).

My shopping/bills account has 999+ messages sitting in the inbox right now. I rarely check it unless I've ordered something and I'm trying to track a package, and even then, I do a search for the retailer and go directly to the email. 

Tonight for some reason, I thought I'd scroll through the messages just for grins, right? Cheap thrills, y'all, cheap thrills...

Then a particular message caught my eye: August 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"

Pardon? Esurance policy? I don't even have an Esurance policy anymore. Not since January...

And then I went through my inbox a little more thoroughly:

• August 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• July 18 - "Thanks for renewing your Esurance policy"
• July 8 - "Your Esurance policy renewal"
• June 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• May 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• April 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• March 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• February 13 - "Billing notice for your Esurance policy"
• January 8 - "Thanks for renewing your Esurance policy"

Son of a mother fucker!!!!!!!!

We started using State Farm insurance in January when we were looking to start a new homeowner's policy and it was cheaper to bundle home and both cars. 

Raise your hand if you forgot to cancel the old policy. 

Raise your hand if you're set up for auto debit on both Esurance & State Farm. 

FOR THE LAST 8 MONTHS!!!!

I'm Pro-Granny Panty

I wore light colored pants today, and if you're a woman, you understand that light colored pants call for light colored underwear.

If you're a man, you really don't give a crap what color your underwear are. You just care whether or not they cause your balls to chafe. (Well, that's what Mr. Palis tells me anyway, and who am I to question the guy code?)

The problem today was that the only light colored underwear I had clean were thongs. Ugh...

Not that you're imagining me in underwear, butt (see how I did that? B-U-T-T) I prefer the granny panties. Regular old bikini underwear, not the kind that come up to your ribcage, but granny panties all the same. Plain cotton. Nothing fancy. 

Those comfy 'I'm not wearing these to impress anyone' drawz were out of commission today and I wore the thong. It was miserable. 

How the actual hell did I find a permanent wedgie comfortable for so many years before I had children? I seriously picked my butt every time I stood up.

Uncomfortable, or not, that business wasn't visible through my pants. 

Mission accomplished.

*****

On another note - I turn 30 in a little over a month. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm dreading it.

It's like you're just supposed to hate 30 like you would hate cannibalism or music by Rush (shut up, you know you hate them too). You know why everyone hates you, 30? Because you're terrible. I hear 31 is nice but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Do you know what eases the pain of turning 30 though? Jewelry.

With my birthday coming up - and maybe a husband who needs help getting the perfect gift - I was so excited when I was contacted by Diamondere recently about putting together a wish list  on their website for the big 3-0!

Lanice

Vita

Gloria 

Diamondere specializes in customizable fine jewelry, a family business for over 100 years for co-founders Varun and Anish  Godha. Each piece is impeccably designed to the specifications of the customer, and Diamondere encourages customers to not only collaborate with their design team but even to tour their facility as pieces are being created.

And, because they don't want me to suffer entering my 30s alone, Diamondere is offering all High Heels & Dirty Dishes readers a 15% discount. Happy birthday to all of us, right?!

To redeem the discount, just use the promo code HHDD136SBDP. 

Happy Birthday Pale Face!

NICE

IMPORTANT

CAKE ?

AWESOME

GOOD

LAPTOP ?

STRONG

FUNNY

HELGA ?

{The kids obviously chose their own answers here... 

Happy Birthday, babe! XOXO}